BRUH 2017 SUCKED. I COULD BE A FUCKING DORK AND SAY THAT AT LEAST IT WAS A GOOD YEAR FOR MUSIC BUT CONTRARY TO THOSE SENTIMENTS THAT KIDS WHO BUY PATCHES FROM FYE SAID ABOUT “AT LEAST SOME GREAT PUNK ROCK BANDS WILL COME OUT OF THIS”, FOR THE MOST PART THIS HAS BEEN A PRETTY UNREMARKABLE YEAR FOR ME MUSICALLY, THOUGH JUST IN THINGS I LISTEN TO NOT THINGS I’VE DONE. I ACTUALLY PUT OUT AN ALBUM THAT WAS WAY BETTER RECEIVED THAN WE HAD EXPECTED *LUCRETIA PLUG* LMAO DUDE ALEX BROWN’S ONLY FLAW WITH IT WAS THAT HE THOUGHT ONE SONG DIDN’T FIT IN AND THAT WAS KINDA THE POINT OF IT LMAO I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE LONG HAIRED ANGEL, I WON’T LET HELMS DEEP FALL. YOU HAVE A GOOD SWORD ALEX, SON OF HAMA. YO I’LL BE COMPLETELY HONEST HALF OF MY INITIAL LIST (AND BY THAT I MEAN THE LIST I DID ON FACEBOOK LIKE 3 WEEKS AGO) WAS PRIMARILY ALBUMS FROM THE LAST TWO YEARS THAT I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT UNTIL THIS YEAR. ALSO DISCLAIMER: LMAO THERE’S NO RAP ALBUMS ON HERE BUT NOT EVEN ON SOME “I DON’T LIKE RAP” I JUST DON’T LISTEN TO RAP RELEASES AS ALBUMS. I NORMALLY JUST LISTEN TO IT ONCE OR TWICE AND TAKE OUT THE SONGS I LIKE AND I’M NOT GOING TO LIE ABOUT RELISTENING TO THE LIKE 90 HOURS OF BROCKHAMPTON RELEASES THAT CAME OUT IN 2017 LIKE I JUST DIDN’T DO THAT LOL. ALSO ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: I WAS GOING TO DO AN HONORABLE MENTIONS SECTION BUT SINCE I ALREADY KINDA DID THIS ALREADY ON FACEBOOK JUST GO ON THERE LOL. ALSO THIRD DISCLAIMER: IDK IN CASE YOU COULDN’T TELL I’M NOT REALLY THE MOST DISCIPLINED WRITER AND I’M NOT EVEN A PART OF THIS PAGE LMAO I GOT THE IDEA TO DO THIS THIS MORNING WHEN I WAS SHOWERING AND THINKING ABOUT HOW JESUS PIECE KICKS SO MUCH ASS EVEN THOUGH EVERY BAND THAT SOUNDS LIKE JESUS PIECE SUCKS. (PICTURED: MY APPLICATION FOR DOING THIS.) ANYWAYS WHATEVER LET’S GET IT: 10.) CYBERBULLY – imhavingthetimeofmylifeLISTEN HERE: https://cyberbullyallcaps.bandcamp.com/album/imhavingthetimeofmylife CYBERBULLY IS A BAND NAMED AFTER WHAT I’M GOING TO BE DOING TO CESAR IRL SOON AND IS THIS INSANE INDUSTRIAL HIP-HOP/HARSHWALL/ELECTRONIC PROJECT BY SOME KID IN BOSTON WHO I DON’T KNOW BUT A LOT OF MY FRIENDS DO. I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S THE ROOMMATE OF THE GUY WHO DOES THAT “FUCKING SIIIIIIICK TATTOO OF A WOLF EVERYDAY” MEME PAGE OR SOMETHING BIZARRE LIKE THAT. CYBERBULLY’S LAST RELEASE “SUMMER OF FLIES” WAS AN ABSOLUTELY PUNISHING SOUNDSCAPE RECORD THAT FELT LIKE GETTING SMACKED IN THE EARS. IN CONTRAST, IMHAVINGTHETIMEOFMYLIFE SOMEHOW MANAGES TO INSERT MELODIES INTO THE CHAOS AND NOISE THAT PERMEATES IN EVERY TRACK. IT’S KIND OF LIKE LISTENING TO THE MUSIC FROM THAT SONIC THE HEDGEHOG GAME THAT WAS ON THE SEGA GAMEGEAR WHILE THE BATTERIES STARTED TO DIE. THE SECOND TRACK “BEREAL” HAS ONE OF THE MOST TRIUMPHANT SOUNDING MUSICAL REFRAINS THAT ALSO AGGRAVATES THE PTSD I GOT FROM WHEN I WOULD BUMP MY POKEMON CARTRIDGE AGAINST A BUS SEAT ON MY WAY HOME FROM SCHOOL. 9.) GREAT GRANDPA – PLASTIC COUGHOKAY SO GREAT GRANDPA’S NAME SUCKS AS MUCH AS CYBERBULLY’S NAME RULES, BUT DON’T LET THAT DETRACT FROM HOW SOLID A RECORD PLASTIC COUGH IS. LMAO NO LIE I LEARNED ABOUT THIS RECORD AT A NEWBURY COMICS IN BOSTON LOL. ONE OF THE SONGS WAS PLAYING ON THEIR LOUDSPEAKER AND I ASKED SOME KID IN AN OFF-WHITE C/O VIRGIL ABLOH SHIRT WHAT IT WAS AND HE WAS LIKE “IDK LET ME CHECK” THEN HE RAN BACK AND WAS GONE FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES LIKE DUDE I COULD OF SHAZAMED IT OR SOMETHING YOU DIDN’T NEED TO GO THROUGH THE CATACOMBS ON SOME MERLIN SHIT MY GUY YOU’RE GOING TO TEAR YOUR $500.00 CONSTRUCTION WORKER SHIRT. ANYWAYS GREAT GRANDPA IS INTERESTING BECAUSE THEY PLAY A KIND OF DREAMY SLACKER STYLE DIY INDIE THAT EVERYONE WHO WAS INTO THE EMO REVIVAL NOW INSISTS THEY WERE ALWAYS INTO BUT THEY HAVE SOME SONGS THAT WILL SUDDENLY DROP INTO EARLY DAUGHTERS TYPE MELTING-ACID GRIND AND GO RIGHT BACK INTO BEING CATCHY LITTLE SONGS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ON A CASSETTE YOUR SISTER MADE FOR SOME GUY SHE HAD A CRUSH ON IN 1993. THE ONLY THING I DIDN’T LIKE ABOUT THIS ALBUM IS THAT THE LAST SONG ON PLASTIC COUGH IS ABOUT SMOKING WEED AND WATCHING THE SIMPSONS WHICH IS SOMETHING I DON’T EVER WANT TO HEAR ABOUT SINCE IT TAKES UP ABOUT 40% OF THE INSTAGRAM STORIES MY FRIENDS POST LIKE LOL WE GET IT YOU HAVE A STICK N POKE OF YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN AND DRAW CARTOON CHARACTERS WHO DON’T HAVE NOSES. ALSO THE SINGER ALSO LOOKS LIKE MILLIE BOBBIE BROWN IN A MIA WALLACE WIG LOL. 8.) SABELLA – THE SONGS OFF “DOG DAZE” THAT HAVE CLEAN SINGINGLISTEN TO TRACKS 1, 2, 6, 9, & 13 HERE: https://sabellaofficial.bandcamp.com/album/dog-daze OKAY SO THIS ALBUM AS A WHOLE IS PRETTY MEH BUT WHEN THEY GOT THE GUY FROM THE FRAY DOING HIS LIL CROONING “IM SAD AND MISS A GIRL” STUFF IT’S REALLY SOLID. I ACTUALLY HATE DOWNTEMPO/BEATDOWN/WHATEVER PEOPLE ARE CALLING DEATHCORE WITHOUT THE BLASTBEATS THESE DAYS SO THE REST OF THE ALBUM CAN BE SKIPPED, I CAN BASICALLY JUST YELL RAP AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF A HI HAT AND YOU CAN GET THE SAME EFFECT. THERE’S ALSO ONE SONG WHERE THE LYRICS ARE LIKE A PITBULL SONG LIKE "PUT ON YOUR SNEAKERS" OR SOMETHING THERE’S ALSO A SONG CALLED "FREE FALLIN" BUT ITS NOT THE ONE THAT JOHN MAYER SINGS SO YOU CAN MISS ME WITH THAT SHIT LMAO. I’M KINDA CONFLICTED BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IF THIS BAND GOT RID OF THE 8 STRINGS, STUCK TO JUST ONE VOCALIST, GOT ANOTHER GUITAR PLAYER, AND FOCUSED MORE ON WRITING MELODIC STUFF THEY COULD BE REALLY GOOD. ALSO I THOUGHT THIS BAND WAS KNOCKED LOOSE THE FIRST TIME I HEARD THEM LOL DUDE KNOCKED LOOSE IS JUST SWORN IN FOR PEOPLE THAT WEAR CHAMPION HOODIES. 7.) HELPLESS – DEBTLISTEN HERE: https://helplessband.bandcamp.com/album/debt AT FIRST GLANCE YOU MIGHT THINK THAT THIS IS THAT NEW END RECORD BUT THIS ONE ACTUALLY SOUNDS KIND OF INTERESTING AND ISN’T JUST FIT FOR AN AUTOPSY WITH THE VOCALIST FROM ANOTHER BAND THAT PROBABLY MADE SHIRTS WITH A PICTURE OF THE BAND AND SOME LYRICS ON THE BACK. INSTEAD THIS IS JUST GAZA WITH A DIFFERENT BAND LOL. I HAVE A GAZA THIGH TATTOO SO I’M PRETTY WITIT. THERE’S ONE PART ON THE RECORD WHERE THEY PLAY THE SAME RIFF BUT WITH DIFFERENT DRUM PATTERNS AND THEN WITH AN OCTAVE PEDAL AND IT’S REALLY COOL IDK WHAT SONG IT IS I’M NOT ABOUT TO PULL IT UP ON MY PHONE I’M AT WORK I DON’T WANT THE ATTORNEY IN THE OFFICE DOWN THE HALL TO HEAR THIS RIFFAGE AND TRY TO CEREBRALLY CROWDKILL ME (LMS IF YOU REMEMBER THAT YOUTUBE VIDEO WHERE THE SINGER FROM GAZA AND A 18 YEAR OLD JAMI MORGAN ARGUE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT MOSHING IS OKAY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67cCk1gbvLg) 6.) CONVERGE – THE DUSK IN USLISTEN HERE: https://convergecult.bandcamp.com/album/the-dusk-in-us THIS IS THE NEWEST ALBUM BY CONVERGE, WHO ARE MORE INSTRUMENTAL IN THE WAY THAT HARDCORE HAS CHANGED, EVOLVED, AND BEEN CONSUMED THAN ANY OTHER BAND IN AT LEAST 30 YEARS. CONVERGE IS THE GREATEST HARDCORE BAND OF ALL TIME AND IF YOU THINK OTHERWISE YOU WRITE FOR ROLLING STONE AND THINK THAT NOTHING THAT HAS EXISTED IN YOUR LIFETIME CAN BE PARADIGM SHIFTING. I LIKE THIS RECORD A LOT AND WISH THAT CONVERGE DIDN’T RELEASE ALMOST EVERY SONG ON IT BEFORE THE RECORD CAME OUT SO I COULD HAVE BEEN SURPRISED MORE. IF YOU DON’T IMMEDIATELY WANT TO JUMP OFF A BALCONY DURING THE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT MY PAIN FEELS LIKE PART OF “I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT PAIN” YOU HAVE ZERO HOES AND STACK NO PAPER. 5.) MOUTHBREATHER – PIGLISTEN HERE: https://mouthbreathercult.bandcamp.com/album/pig THERE’S LIKE A TRILLION BANDS NAMED MOUTHBREATHER BUT THIS IS THE BEST ONE. THIS ALBUM IS LIKE 6 MINUTES LONG AND IS MOSTLY JUST MESHUGGAH MOSH RIFFS BUT NOT IN THE LAME DJENT WAY LOL DO PEOPLE EVEN LISTEN TO DJENT ANYMORE? I HOPE I DIDN’T OFFEND SOMEONE WHO STILL WEARS ELONGATED WHITE TEE SHIRTS UNDER THEIR HOODIES BUT FOR REAL IS DJENT A THING? POLYPHIA IS SO BORING DUDE LOL THEY DEF CALL EACH OTHER FAM IN THEIR GROUP CHAT. LMAO IN THE TIME IT TOOK YOU TO READ THIS SECTION YOU COULD HAVE LISTENED TO THE ENTIRETY OF THIS ALBUM BUT INSTEAD YOU JUST KEPT SCROLLING THROUGH MY THINLY VEILED SHOTS AT KIDS WHOSE EXISTENCE I AM UNSURE OF BUT HATE NONETHELESS. 4.) KIDNAPPED – KIDNAPPEDCATCH UP HERE: https://kidnappedpv.bandcamp.com/album/s-t I LOVE THESE KIDS SO MUCH YOU HAVE NO IDEA. DANNY, LIAM, AND DAKOTA ARE SOME OF THE BEST PEOPLE I’VE MET IN MY LIFETIME AND THEIR BAND CURRENTLY HOLDS THE DISTINGUISHED POSITION OF “ACTIVE BAND FROM CONNECTICUT THAT MICHAEL TERRY LIKES THE MOST RIGHT NOW ™”. THEY RELEASED 3 RECORDS THIS YEAR BUT THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE. THE PRODUCTION IS TIGHT BUT THERE IS NO LOSS IN HOW RAW AND AGGRESSIVE EVERYTHING IS. DUDE DAKOTA PLAYS DRUMS WITH FUCKING MARCHING STICKS. MY MANS IS OUT HERE HITTING HIS SNARE WITH THOSE SOUVENIR BASEBALL BATS YOU GET AT GIFT SHOPS. THESE GUYS ARE BLOWING UP AND THERE IS LEGITIMATELY NO BAND I KNOW THAT DESERVES IT MORE. 3.) VEIN – SPLIT WITH .GIF FROM GOD (A.K.A. SELF DESTRUCT)LISTEN HERE: https://veinband.bandcamp.com/album/split-w-gif-from-god “BUT MICHAEL THAT ALBUM CAME OUT IN 2016” YEAH BUT IT CAME OUT ON NEW YEARS EVE AND I DIDN’T GET A CHANCE TO TALK ABOUT IT LAST YEAR SO SMDFTB. LOL I FEEL SO BAD FOR GIF FROM GOD LIKE I DON’T KNOW A SINGLE PERSON WHO HAS LISTENED TO THEIR HALF MORE THAN ONCE. I’M FROM NEW ENGLAND SO NATURALLY I’M GOING TO TALK ABOUT HOW I KNEW VEIN EVEN BEFORE THIS RECORD CAME OUT BECAUSE I’M PETTY AND WASTED MY POTENTIAL BY GETTING INTO HEAVY MUSIC AS OPPOSED TO LIKE, FINANCE OR SOMETHING. THIS ALBUM SOUNDS LIKE THE LOCUST OR DAUGHTERS BUT YOU CAN PIT TO IT. LOL MY MOST VIEWED VIDEO ON INSTAGRAM IS A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SWINGING THEIR ARMS TO THAT KORN RIFF FROM THE FIRST SONG ON THIS ALBUM. VEIN RULES LOL. 2.) GLASSJAW – MATERIAL CONTROLTHERE’S NO BANDCAMP FOR GLASSJAW SO JUST GO ON SPOTIFY OR APPLE MUSIC IF YOU’RE A COP. I ALREADY WROTE A PIECE ON THIS SITE ABOUT MEETING GLASSJAW AND HOW EXCITED I AM ABOUT THIS ALBUM. INSTEAD OF REPEATING MYSELF I’M JUST GONNA SAY THAT THIS RECORD WAS SOMETHING I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SEE AND EVERYONE WHOSE MAIN COMPLAINT ABOUT THE RECORD WAS THAT “ITS BEEN 15 YEARS SINCE THE LAST RECORD” DOESN’T KNOW DICK ABOUT BEING A GLASSJAW FAN. SO IS THIS RECORD BETTER THAN GLASSJAW’S PREVIOUS TWO LPs? NOT REALLY. BUT IT’S A FANTASTIC RETURN TO FORM FROM MY FAVORITE BAND SO I LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF IT. I HOPE ALL OF YOU LILY WHITE SOLIPSISTIC CURS ARE CURSED TO WAIT 15 YEARS FOR YOUR FAVORITE BAND TO RELEASE A RECORD ONLY TO HAVE SOME DORKS WHO FORCE THEMSELVES TO LISTEN TO LIKE 45 RELEASES A WEEK SAY IT’S UNDERWHELMING EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T LIKE THE BAND THAT MUCH TO START OFF WITH LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH Y’ALL. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT MY PAIN FEELS LIKE. *JUMPS OFF LADDER TO DELIVER THE PEOPLES ELBOW TO ANTHONY FANTANO* AND THE NUMBER ONE ALBUM OF 2017 IS……………….. 1.) SLIPKNOT – IOWATHAT’S RIGHT BABY!!!11!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN FOR THE 16TH YEAR IN A ROW, IOWA WINS ALBUM OF THE YEAR. I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO LINK IT BECAUSE IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY LISTENED TO IOWA BY NOW I’M JUST GOING TO SCALP YOU LIKE THE STEM OF A PUMPKIN. IOWA IS UNDOUBTEDLY ONE OF THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS IN AMERICAN ART AND IS THE DIRECT RESULT OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU LEFT 9 COKEHEADS WHO HATED EACH OTHER IN A CORN MAZE WITH A COUPLE OF BC RICH WARLOCKS AND A BEER KEG THAT WAS BEING SMACKED AROUND LIKE A PINATA. I WILL HEADBANG SO HARD DURING “PEOPLE=SHIT” I WILL GIVE MYSELF A CONCUSSION TO RIVAL THAT OF A RETIRED NFL PLAYER. LMAO CATCH WILL SMITH YELLING AT ME LIKE “YEW HAB DA CONCOOOSHUN” LOL SHUT UP WILL GO BACK TO DOING GUEST VOX FOR BURY YOUR DEAD (THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED S2G). YO DEADASS MY G LOOK ME IN THE WINDOWS OF MY SOUL AND TELL ME “LEFT BEHIND” ISN’T A FLAWLESS SONG. FUCK EVEN THE WORST SONG ON THIS RECORD IS STILL A BETTER AMBIENT INDUSTRIAL SONG THAN ANYTHING WHATEVER OBSCURE BLACK METAL BAND YOU LIKE HAS DONE. AND FOR ANYONE THAT HAS ANY DOUBTS ABOUT IOWA I GOT TWO WORDS FORMING ONE PORTMANTEAU FOR YA: “DISASTERPIECE.” FUCKING “DISASTERPIECE.” I WILL THROTTLE YOU AND CRUSH YOUR HEAD LIKE A DELAWARE MERCENARY DURING ANY PART OF “DISASTERPIECE.” I LOVE IOWA SO MUCH I COULD PUNCH THROUGH A WALL. SHIT DUDE MAYBE 2017 WASN’T THAT BAD AFTER ALL. -Michael T.
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