LMAO WHAT’S GOOD YOU FUCKING THURSDAY FANBOYS. THE REIGN OF FALSE POST-HARDCORE ENDS TODAY BECAUSE THE NEW GLASSJAW RECORD IS OUT AND IT'S ALMOST SURPASSED CHINESE DEMOCRACY IN THE SHEER AMOUNT OF TIME SPENT MAKING/TALKING ABOUT MAKING IT VS THE AMOUNT OF TIME IT'S EXISTED. BUT UNLIKE CHINESE DEMOCRACY, MATERIAL CONTROL HAS MORE THAN TWO GOOD SONGS AND DOESN'T HAVE THAT FUCKING WHACK DORK BUMBLEFOOT ANYWHERE ON IT SO ALREADY THEY'RE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT.
LMAO NOW THAT POST-HARDCORE’S BEEN RECLAIMED I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE GUYS FROM WE CAME AS ROMANS GO BACK TO WORKING AT ZUMIEZ. “HEY DIDN’T YOU SING IN THAT BAND THAT DID THAT SONG WHERE THE KID IS GROWING A TREE OUT OF HIS HANDS BECAUSE HE CUT HIMSELF OR SOME SHIT?” “YEAH BUT THEN MATERIAL CONTROL CAME OUT AND I WAS BANISHED DO YOU WANT THESE WEED SOCKS OR NOT?” --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHECK IT I'M GOING UP TO NEW YORK TO THIS GLASSJAW MEET AND GREET TATTOO THING AND I'M KINDA CONCERNED ABOUT THIS BECAUSE 1.) I ALREADY HAVE A GLASSJAW TATTOO THAT TAKES UP THE MAJOUR-ITY (HEHE) OF MY LEFT BICEP 2.) IM TAKING THE LSAT TEST TOMORROW MORNING 3.) I CAN’T ASSURE ANYONE THAT I WON'T JUST START CRYING IF I MET DARYL PALUMBO, OR LIKE BLURT OUT THAT I NAMED MY CAT AFTER HIM OR SOMETHING ELSE THAT WOULD SEEM KIND OF CRINGEY COMING OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A 23-YEAR-OLD MAN IDK IM GOING TO BE GOING THROUGH A CRUEL EXODUS TO REACH THE CITY (READ: I'M USING THE METRO NORTH) THE SHOPS AT LAFAYETTE SO MAYBE I'LL GO TO SUPREME AND BEAT UP A SOUNDCLOUD RAPPER OR SOMETHING IDK (UPDATE: I WALKED PAST SUPREME BUT IT WAS CLOSED AND THERE WAS A 15-YEAR-OLD JAPANESE KID KNOCKING AT THE DOOR ASKING WHY) THE SAGA BEGINS: 7:40 - I DID THE UNTHINKABLE AND ACTUALLY PAID HUMAN MONEY TO PRE-ORDER IT ON ITUNES AND THE DOWNLOAD WAS OUT OF ORDER AND APPLE WON'T LET ME REDOWNLOAD IT TO FIX IT SO IT'S STARTING OFF SWIMMINGLY. 7:42 - I'VE GIVEN UP WITH ITUNES AND HAVE DOWNLOADED THE ALBUM ON SPOTIFY. IF I EVER MEET STEVE JOBS’S GHOST I'M GONNA PULL HIS TURTLENECK OVER HIS HEAD AND PUNCH HIM IN THE RIBS 7:47- THOSE LIL FACEBOOK REMINDER THINGS SERVED TO LET ME KNOW THAT IT'S BEEN EXACTLY TWO YEARS SINCE GLASSJAW FIRST RELEASED “NEW WHITE EXTREMITY” SO GOOD ON YOU GLASSJAW FOR SAYING NEW RECORD WILL BE OUT BUT NOT SPECIFYING THAT YOU MEANT THE FOLLOWING YEAR YOU SHIFTY BASTARDS. I WANT TO TAKE THIS TIME TO SPECIFY THAT THE MOST VITAL ASPECT OF BEING A GLASSJAW FAN IS CONSISTENTLY BEING LET DOWN. I GREW UP EATING A LOT OF HAMBURGER HELPER SO THIS IS NOTHING TO ME 9:19 I LISTENED TO “NEW WHITE EXTREMITY” FOR LIKE THE FOUR THOUSANDTH TIME ON MY WAY TO WORK AND THOUGHT ABOUT HOW HARD IT WOULD BE TO EXPLAIN TO MY NIECES THAT I USED TO LISTEN TO THIS BAND BY TRANSFERRING MP3 FILES FROM MY COMPUTER TO A PSP WHEN MY NOT-PHONE IPOD WITH A LITTLE WHEEL THING BROKE. 9:30 LMAO HAVE YOU GUYS EVER SEEN DARYL PALUMBOS NUDES BECAUSE THEY’RE DEFINITELY ON THE INTERNET I'VE SEEN THEM LOL DARYL IS SO COOL I'M TOTALLY GONNA HAVE TO RESIST BRINGING THIS UP 2:30 LMAO I SAW SOME DUDE JUST ARGUE AND BREAK UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AT THE TRAIN STATION ON SOME CASABLANCA SHIT LOL IMMA START SINGING “LA MARSEILLAISE” AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS 2:41 IM WAITING UNTIL I'M SITUATED ON THE HATE TRAIN BEFORE I START THE ALBUM SINCE I DON'T WANT IT TO BE INTERRUPTED SO RN I'M LISTENING TO A MONOMATE ALBUM FROM 2010 RT IF U CARE ENOUGH ABOUT EARLY AVGN EPISODES TO READ A RETROSPECTIVE ABOUT NINTENDOCORE I PROMISE I'LL ONLY TALK ABOUT HOW IGNORANTLY I PITTED FOR HORSE THE BAND FOR LIKE 3 PARAGRAPHS (I CROWD KILLED THE DRUMMER FROM RENA SURRENDERS DURING “MURDER” LMAO) 2:47 THERE'S A KID HERE WITH A MANBUN LMAO NO WAY (UPDATE: THIS KID IS WITH A GROUP OF OTHER CHILDREN WITH MANBUNS THIS IS WHAT I'M MOST FEARFUL ABOUT REGARDING THE PROSPECT OF PARENTHOOD. LIKE CAN YOU IMAGINE SPENDING SO MUCH TIME AND EFFORT AND MAKING SO MANY SACRIFICES AND YOUR CHILD COMES OUT AS A TOPKNOT WEARING FUCCBOI?? THAT’S WORSE THAN ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE IT’S COMPLETELY IN THEIR CONTROL TO STOP BUT THEY WON’T. THESE KIDS LOOK LIKE WALKING VERSIONS OF THAT MONKEY EMOJI WITH ITS HANDS COVERING ITS EYES.) (UPDATE UPDATE: THESE KIDS STARTED TALKING AND THEY'RE MUCH YOUNGER THAN ORIGINALLY ANTICIPATED AND THEIR VOICES ARE SO SQUEAKY THEY'RE NOT EVEN FUCCBOIS THEY’RE FUCCLINGS) NOTE: OKAY SO AT THIS POINT I JUST STARTED A STEADY STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS NOTE ON MY IPHONE I PROBABLY LOOKED MAD THOUGHTFUL OR LIKE I WAS GETTING INTO A FIGHT OR SOMETHING BUT I WAS MOSTLY JUST MAKING SURE I DIDN’T ACCIDENTALLY USE A LOWERCASE) 2:48 OKAY ALBUM START TIME LIKE I'VE MENTIONED BEFORE I'VE LISTENED TO “NEW WHITE EXTREMITY” A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF TIMES IN THE PAST TWO YEARS BUT GO DAMN IT’S A FUCKING BANGER I WILL NEVER NOT CAR MOSH TO IT IDK IF THIS IS COMMON KNOWLEDGE OR NOT BUT I THINK THIS ALBUM WAS MADE WITH JUST JUSTIN AND DARYL AS OFFICIAL MEMBERS WITH JUSTIN PLAYING BASS AND GUITAR AND THAT 12-YEAR-OLD KID THAT PLAYS FOR DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN ON DRUMS JUSTIN BECK ALSO PLAYED BASS ON WORSHIP AND TRIBUTE AND (I THINK) THE DON FURY SESSIONS AND I'LL BE COMPLETELY HONEST I THINK HE'S A MILLION TIMES BETTER AT BASS THAN GUITAR 2:51 WE JUST DROVE BY BLUEFISH STADIUM AND SEEING A D LIST MINOR LEAGUE TEAM YOU USED TO BE EXCITED ABOUT AS A KID AS AN ADULT IS A LITTLE LIKE THE FIRST TIME YOU REALIZED A PARENT WAS DRUNK AND BEING AN IDIOT 2:52 THE LEAD IN FROM “NEW WHITE” TO “SHIRA” WAS A LOT BETTER THAN I WAS EXPECTING DESPITE IT BEING KIND OF A LACKLUSTER TRACK AFTER HOW NUTS “NEW WHITE” IS. THEN AGAIN ANYTHING WOULD SOUND WEAK AFTER “NEW WHITE” ALL THE “WOOOOOHOOOOOS” IN IT REMINDS ME OF ALL THOSE BIZARRE NEW WAVE BANDS DARYL HAS MADE IT KINDA REMINDS ME OF DEFTONES BUT I LIKE IT MORE THAN ANY DEFTONES SONG SINCE I DON'T PLAY DJENT AND I'M NOT TRYING TO IMPRESS ANYONE 2:56 OKAY SO FIRST NEW SONG I HAVEN'T ALREADY HEARD ITS CALLED “CITIZEN” AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LAMPS OR FLORAL PATTERNS LMAO THIS SONG GETS SOME MOSH RIFFS OFF THOUGH. I REALLY WANNA HEAR DARYL SCREAM. I FEEL LIKE HE HASN'T DONE ONE SINCE “LENNON” COME ON DARYL DO THAT” DAABAB;GAGBWWBAGPAGHEAUHWSHGAWGUW HYIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” THING YOU DID IN “SIBERIAN KISS” AGAIN IT'S BEEN LIKE 18 YEARS 2:59: “GOLGOTHA” I ACTUALLY HEARD THIS SONG LIVE WHEN I SAW GJ WITH VEIN A COUPLE WEEKS AGO THEY WERE PLAYING THIS SONG WHEN MY FRIEND DANNY WENT TO THE BATHROOM CUZ HE DIDN’T KNOW THE SONG AND WA- HOLY SHIT THAT CHUGGING PART IS TIGHT WOW DANNY YOU MISSED OUT LMAO (CHECK HIS BAND KIDNAPPED OUT THEY’RE THE BEST BAND IN CT) (I WAS ALSO WITH MY FRIEND ERIC AT THAT SHOW TOO HIS BAND IS PRETTY LUSH, THEY USED TO BE CALLED BETTER HALF WHICH I LIKED MORE BECAUSE NO ONE IN PRETTY LUSH IS NAILED TO THE X. I PLAYED GUITAR ON THE FIRST TWO TRACKS ON THEIR FIRST ALBUM LOL IM NOT ON THE LAST ONE CUZ I NEVER LEARNED IT LMAO BLONDE ME WAS SOMETHING ELSE) 3:02 I HAD A MESSENGER CONVO ABOUT HOW CODE ORANGE USED TO BE HEAVY IN THE NEW ENGLAND EMO SCENE FOR A COUPLE YEARS DURING THE TIME IT TOOK FOR” STRANGE HOURS” TO GET PAST ITS INTRO HMU IF YOU WANNA SEE THE PICTURE OF JAMI MORGAN RECORDING A GUEST SPOT FOR A THE WORLD IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE SONG IN SOME GUY IN NEW BRITAIN’S BEDROOM THAT THEY DELETED FROM THEIR TUMBLR WHEN THEY WENT FROM BEING :^/ IN ALL THEIR PROMO PICS TO BEING LIKE >:^( IN ALL THEIR PROMO PICS THIS SONG IS CLOSER TO SOMETHING OFF OF COLORING BOOK WHICH IS A COOL CHANGE OF PACE FROM HOW THE ALBUM HAS BEEN STILL WAITING FOR THE PALUMBO SCREAM THOUGH 3:06 I'M ON “BASTILLE DAY” WHO PLAYS THE SPOONS ON THIS TRACK IS IT THE HOMELESS GUY FROM SOUNDGARDEN? *ONE MINUTE INTO ”BASTILLE DAY”* NEVER MIND NOW IT'S A CRASH BANDICOOT SONG 3:09 “POMPEII” FIRST DARYL SCREAM IT’S ABOUT GOD DAMN TIME I'M GONNA MOSH INTO THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO ME ON THIS TRAIN. SHE'S WEARING SUNGLASSES EVEN THOUGH IT’S A CLOUDY DAY IN DECEMBER AND SHE'S INSIDE SONS OF ABRAHAM ARE BACK YOU FUCKING PUTZES. I BACK METALCORE GLASSJAW I’M PICKING CHANGE OUT OF THE AIR RN. THEY'RE REALLY GETTING THEIR MONEY'S WORTH WITH THE DILLINGER KID FOR THIS ENDING 3:14 “BIBLELAND 6” SOUNDS LIKE IT'D BE AN ART PROJECT ABOUT HOLY LAND (THERE'S MY ESOTERIC CONNECTICUT JOKE FOR THE DAY) I LIKE HOW SYNCOPATED THE RHYTHM SECTION IS AND THE MINI BASS SOLO/VOCAL BREAK JUSTIN’S DOING SOME REAL DEAL “I GOT A HARMONIST PEDAL AT GUITAR CENTER” SOLO RIGHT NOW 3:17 THIS SONG “CLOSER” REALLY IS GOING FOR THE “WE LIKE MIND OVER MATTER” VIBE (EDIT: APPARENTLY THEY ACTUALLY GOT THE GUY FROM MIND OVER MATTER TO DO A GUEST SPOT ON THIS ALBUM, JUST NOT THIS SONG LOL) DARYLS VOCAL HARMONIES IN THIS KILLS THOUGH LIKE GOD DAMN THAT LIL DUDE CAN REALLY BELT 3:19 I HEARD THIS SONG (“MY CONSCIOUS WEIGHS A TON”) AT THE VEIN SHOW TOO I ALSO GOT IT AS A POSTCARD FLEXI BUT I DON’T OWN A RECORD PLAYER BECAUSE THEY'VE NEVER PRESSED IOWA ON VINYL THIS SONGS KINDA IN THE SAME LANE AS “SHIRA,” THAT SECOND HALF OF WORSHIP AND TRIBUTE / OUR COLOR GREEN STYLE WHERE THE- SORRY HOLD ON THESE FUCKING RIFFINGTONS JUST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE THERE’S A LOT OF SOLOS IN THIS ALBUM 3:22 “MATERIAL CONTROL” HEY IT'S THE SONG I'VE HEARD A TRILLION TIMES ON INSTAGRAM LOL THE MAIN RIFF TO “ALL GOOD JUNKIES GO TO HEAVEN” IS IN THE TOP 3 GJ GUITAR PARTS OF ALL TIME I DON'T BLAME THEM FOR REUSING IT 3:23 OKAY LAST SONG LET'S GET IT WHAT THE FUCK IS UP THIS IS SOME BRING THE RUCKUS INTRO RIFF "TAKE WHAT YOU PAY FOR" IS A SICK LINE 3:25 YOO YUP MOSH PARTS HAVE RETURN NO WAY THIS IS MAD PRETTY NOW 3:26 AND IT’S OVER JUST LIKE THAT AFTER 15 YEARS GLASSJAW ENDS THEIR RETURN ALBUM WITH A DEAD CUT WHAT A GLASSJAW THING TO DO I LOVE THEM SO MUCH FINNA RE-LISTEN TO THE ALBUM NOW TAKE IT EASY 4:10 I RE-LISTENED TO THE ALBUM AND I STILL THINK IT KICKS ASS LMAO SHUT UP NERDS 4:25 I'VE BEEN IN NYC FOR 34 SECONDS AND I'VE ALREADY SEEN A PERSON SLEEPING IN THEIR OWN PUKE 4:32 LITERALLY EVERY TIME I'M IN NEW YORK I GET ASKED FOR DIRECTIONS BY A TOURIST LIKE LISTEN, I KNOW I'M FROWNING AND NOT LOOKING UP AND HAVE A BOX CUTTER IN MY POCKET BUT I'M FROM THE NUTMEG STATE. I NEVER WILL UNDERSTAND NONNATIVE NEW YORKERS BECAUSE LIKE BOTH OF MY GRANDMOTHERS WOUND UP IN NYC AFTER FLEEING FROM NATIONS WITH GROWING POLITICAL STRIFE AND I WAS BORN IN CONNECTICUT SO I'M NOT ABOUT TO FUCK THIS UP FOR THEM 4:37 IVE REALIZED THE FUTILITY OF WALKING AND GOT A CAB THAT TV THEY HAVE IN IT IS SO GRATING I SEE WHY PEOPLE TAKE TRAINS OR RIDE RATS OR WHATEVER. IF I HAVE TO SEE THE HOSTS OF THE CHEW GIVE ME A RECIPE USING LEFTOVER YAMS AGAIN I'M GOING TO RIP MARIO BATALI’S FEET FROM HIS CROCS WITH A CLAW HAMMER. 5:15: THE SHOP (FIVE POINTS TATTOO, NAMED AFTER THE GRAFFITI SPOT THAT WAS TORN DOWN TO MAKE GRAFFITI THEMED HOTELS FOR PEOPLE WHO’VE NEVER SMOKED ANGEL DUST I ASSUME) IS ABSOLUTELY STUFFED WITH PEOPLE LOL. MY FRIEND IAN FROM THIS BAND FROM JERSEY CALLED BOOTH IS HERE (LISTEN TO BOOTH) WE PLAYED A SHOW TOGETHER WHERE NO ONE CAME CUZ TICKETS WERE FUCKING 15 DOLLARS WHICH FOR COMPARISON IS ONLY $4.33 LESS THAN THIS EVENT WAS AND NO ONE THAT NIGHT WROTE” SIBERIAN KISS” 5:45 YO SO I MET DARYL PALUMBO AND I'M STILL TRYING TO FATHOM HOW THAT HAPPENED 16-YEAR-OLD ME IS CRYING SO HARD DARYL IS WEARING SILENT BY DAHIR DARMA PANTS, A LOOSE T-SHIRT THAT SEEMS LIKE IT’S 3 SIZES TOO BIG AND A PAIR OF DOC MARTENS. HE HAS SPECKLES OF GRAY PEPPERING HIS HAIR AND SMELLS REALLY NICE. HE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE THE COOL, UNMARRIED OLDER COUSIN ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE EXCEPT GOTH. HE'S A DIMINUTIVE PERSON, 5’5, 120 POUNDS AT MOST, BUT HE HAS AN INCREDIBLE PRESENCE, SPEAKING WITH A GREAT DEAL OF HUMILITY WHILE MAINTAINING AN INVITING GREGARIOUSNESS; LAUGHING BOISTEROUSLY AND TALKING WITH GENUINE PASSION IN HIS VOICE. I'M LOW KEY KIND OF IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY ALSO HOLY SHIT DADDY DARYL IS INFURIATINGLY HANDSOME LIKE GOD DAMN IF HE WAS JUST A LITTLE TALLER GLASSJAW WOULD PROBABLY HAVE BEEN A MORE POPULAR BAND LOL ALSO DARYL AND I TOOK A HARDSTYLE AND THE CHANT WE DID WAS “FUCK SAVES THE DAY” LMAO. I MADE A JOKE ABOUT HIM BREAKING EDGE TOO I FLEXED MY “ I KNOW A LOT ABOUT GLASSJAW” MUSCLES (IDK WHAT TIME THIS WAS BUT THERE WAS A GUY WHO FLEW IN FROM SCOTLAND AND THERE'S A KID WITH THE GLASSJAW X NIKE BLAZER AND I SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED ROBBING THIS KID FOR HIS SNEAKERS LIKE I WAS A VILLIAN IN A SPORTS ILLUSTRATED COMIC) 6:34: ME AND IAN GOT PIZZA. IT WAS OKAY. NEW YORK PIZZA IS REALLY OVERRATED UNLESS YOU'RE FROM LIKE THE MIDWEST OR TRYING TO JUSTIFY WHY NEW YORK IS THE BEST TO PEOPLE THAT DON’T CARE. @ NEW YORKERS IF YOU EVER USE THAT WHOLE “THA WAATAH FREM NEW YOHRK IS WHYS THE PIZZA IS SAH GRAAYT” EXCUSE IN MY PRESENCE I'M GONNA PUT THE ASBESTOS BACK IN YOUR SCHOOLS 7:06 OKAY SO AT THIS POINT THE TATTOO GUYS WERE ALL LIKE “LOL OOPS WE DIDN’T THINK ABOUT HOW WE WOULD MANAGE TO TATTOO 93 SOMETHING PEOPLE IN 3 HOURS OUR BAD HERE'S A VOUCHER YOU CAN STAY LONGER TO TRY TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS BUT IT’S NOT LIKELY. “ 8:07 ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AGO I DECIDED TO TAKE UP THE RAIN CHECK. AS I’VE MENTIONED PREVIOUSLY I’M TAKING THE LSAT TOMORROW. SO YEAH, MAYBE I SPENT ALMOST A HUNDRED DOLLARS BETWEEN TRAVELING AND TICKETS AND SHIT BUT HERE’S SOMETHING FOR YOU TO CONSIDER 1.) MY FAVORITE BAND RELEASED THEIR FIRST ALBUM IN 15 YEARS AND IT’S FANTASTIC 2.) GO FUCK YOURSELF I’M ON THE TRAIN BACK TO CT AND I’M GOING TO LEAVE YOU DORKS WITH SOMETHING THAT I’LL CARRY WITH ME UNTIL THE DAY I DIE: WHEN I WAS LEAVING THE SHOP I SAID GOODBYE TO JUSTIN AND DARYL AND THANKED THEM FOR YOU KNOW, BEING GLASSJAW. HERE’S A REALLY AWKWARDLY FORMATTED DIALOGUE EXCHANGE THAT I HAD: ME: “HEY THANK YOU GUYS FOR EVERYTHING, SORRY I’M GONNA MISS YOU GUYS TONIGHT BUT I NEED TO GO BACK TO CONNECTICUT, I’M TAKING THE LSAT TOMORROW” JUSTIN BECK: “OH NO SHIT, GOOD LUCK! WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO?” ME: “IT’S FOR LAW SCHOOL, YA KNOW? I WANNA BE AN ATTORNEY” JUSTIN: THAT’S FUCKING AWESOME. DONT FUCK IT UP AND GET A NECK TATTOO OR SOME SHIT” JUSTIN, SIGNALING TO DARYL: “THIS KID’S TAKING A BIG TEST TOMORROW” DARYL: “THAT’S GREAT, GOOD LUCK!” JUSTIN: “WHAT KIND OF LAW DO YOU WANT TO PRACTICE?” ME: “I WANT TO BE A TRASHY VALLEY LAWYER SO I CAN GET MY FRIENDS OUT OF TROUBLE AND UNDERMINE THE AUTHORITY OF COPS” AT THAT POINT JUSTIN AND DARYL SMILED AT ME WITH A COMBINATION OF LAUGHTER AND PRIDE, AND SAID RESPECTIVELY: “HELL YEAH” “THAT’S THE BEST ANSWER TO ANYTHING I’VE EVER HEARD” EVERYONE CAN SUCK MY DICK FOREVER.
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