SCENE: SOMEWHERE IN CENTRAL CT CHARACTERS: ME. YOU, THE AVERAGE METAL LIFESTYLE READER (EG OTHER PEOPLE WHO WRITE FOR METAL LIFESTYLE). * WINDOW CRASHES AND I APPEAR BEHIND YOU* “YO THERE’S A NEW IRON MONKEY ALBUM OUT.” “WHO THE FUCK IS IRON MONK- *I PUNCH YOU IN THE DIAPHRAGM. YOU KEEL OVER AND THROW UP ON YOUR KANAESHAE LONGSLEEVE (IDK HOW IT’S SPELLED. THE BAND THAT WEARS WAWA MERCH.)* “I AINT GOT TIME FOR MONKEY BUSINESS” *I DISAPPEAR IN A CLOUD OF FEEDBACK EARACHE RECORDS DRINK COASTERS* WHAT’S POPPING YOU FUCKING LITTLE WEABOOS IT’S TIME FOR SOME SLUDGE METAL HISTORY AND I’M GONNA BE THE ONE TO TEACH YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE ALL LIKE 14 YEARS OLD AND I OWN A BLACK JEAN JACKET WITH A METAL ENTOMBED PIN SUPERGLUED TO IT SO I GUESS I’M SLIGHTLY MORE OF AN AUTHORITY THAN ANY OF YOU SCHOOL OF ROCK REJECTS ARE. MICHAEL TERRY’S HISTORY OF SLUDGE METAL IGHT SO LIKE A HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS AGO, BLACK SABBATH CAME OUT AND A BUNCH OF HIPPIES WERE LIKE, “WAIT DIDN’T WE ALREADY SORTA START DOING THIS?” AND THE WHOLE WORLD WAS LIKE “YEAH KINDA BUT NOT REALLY AND YOU WEREN’T AS GOOD OR AS COOL SO SHUT UP OR WE FINNA HAVE ANOTHER RACEWAY INCIDENT SUNBEAM.” SO THEN WE GOT HEAVY METAL WHICH WAS THE GREATEST THING HUMANITY HAD EVER PRODUCED SINCE LIKE PENICILLIN AND WOULDN’T BE BESTED UNTIL SOME CREATIVE GENIUS INVENTED THE BUTT SELFIE IN 2004 WORD TO MOTOROLA RAZRS. SO THEN AFTER THAT WE GOT SOME REALLY COOL THINGS (LIKE KING DIAMOND, WHO IS LITERALLY THE MOST METAL PERSON TO EVER EXIST AND I’LL FIGHT ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE. ALSO THERE WERE NWOBHM BANDS LIKE ANGEL WITCH AND SATAN AND SHIT WHO KICKED ASS AND LOOKED LIKE MOMS FROM LONG ISLAND). BUT THEN FOR SOME FUCKING REASON SOME DORK WAS LIKE “LMAO WHAT IF WE JUST DID THE EXACT THING AS BLACK SABBATH DID BUT WITH MORE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED?” AND THEN WE GOT DOOM AND IT WAS REALLY BORING UNTIL SOME DIRTY BAYOU BOYS GOT TIRED OF FALLING ASLEEP TRYING TO WRANGLE ALLIGATORS TO CANDLEMASS AND DECIDED TO COMBINE DOOM WITH NOISE ROCK BANDS AND INDUSTRIAL BANDS LIKE GODFLESH AND (MOST IMPORTANTLY) THE COOL KINDS OF PUNK/HARDCORE LIKE CRUST PUNK AND D-BEAT AND THEN FOR SOME ODD REASON (READ: THEY’RE FROM THE SOUTH) MIXED IT WITH COUNTRY ROCK AND IT KICKED SO MUCH ASS AND GOT CALLED SLUDGE BECAUSE HEROIN AND NOW IT’S 2017 AND PEOPLE THINK SLUDGE METAL IS ABOUT BREAKDOWNS AND SHIT AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF WITH A C R O W B A R. SO SINCE METAL DORKS ARE PREDICTABLE I ALREADY KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN YOUR LITTLE TRUCKER-CAP-TOPPED HEAD AND IT’S THAT YOURE GOING TO DARE TO HAVE THE AUDACITY TO ASK “WHO’S THE BIG FOUR OF SLUDGE METAL BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT 11 AND DEATH METAL EXISTS AND I CAN ACCESS LITERALLY EVERY BIT OF MUSICAL HISTORY EVER RECORDED IN AN INSTANT MY FRAME OF REFERENCE FOR EVERYTHING IS STILL THRASH METAL FOR SOME REASON.” IT’S CROWBAR, EYEHATEGOD, ACID BATH, AND THE FOURTH SPOT HAS NEVER BEEN ESTABLISHED. SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY IT’S THE MELVINS, BUT THEYRE CLOSER TO GRUNGE OR LIKE “SMART GUY HARDCORE” AND AREN’T GROSS ENOUGH AND ARE TOO RESPECTED BY MUSIC JOURNALISTS WHO HAVE NICE HAIR SO THEY’RE OUT. WIKIPEDIA LIKES TO SAY ALICE IN CHAINS ARE IN BUT LET’S FACE IT. ALICE IN CHAINS ARE GRUNGE AND HOLD THE DISTINCTION OF BEING THE ONLY GRUNGE BAND THAT DOESN’T SUCK. APPARENTLY THIS IS A CONTROVERSAL OPINION BUT I’LL DOUBLE DOWN AND SAY THAT THE ONLY GOOD THING TO COME OUT OF THE WHOLE GRUNGE MOVEMENT WAS THAT IT BASICALLY CAUSED THE ENTIRE CITY OF LOS ANGELES TO GO BANKRUPT SINCE THEIR ENTIRE ECONOMY WAS BASED OFF COCAINE AND RATT. “WHAT ABOUT DOWN?” SHUT UP TWERP. THAT’S CHEATING. SUPERGROUPS AREN'T CANON. ONE COULD ALSO MAKE AN ARGUMENT FOR CORROSION OF CONFORMITY BUT I DON’T LIKE THEM THAT MUCH SO THEY’RE OUT AND THAT LEAVES US WITH LIKE 39 OTHER OPTIONS BUT GUESS WHAT NONE OF THEM MATTER BECAUSE IRON MONKEY SHOULD HAVE THAT SPOT. Q: WHO IS IRON MONKEY? WHATS SO COOL ABOUT THEM? WHAT DO THEY SOUND LIKE? WHAT SEPARATES THEM FROM OTHER SLUDGE BANDS? ISN’T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A REVIEW? A: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/ZtT8iY-gHTE/maxresdefault.jpg (THIS IS THE ACTUAL, OFFICIAL ALBUM ART FOR IRON MONKEYS SECOND RECORD). I’M GOING TO TRUST THAT YOU’RE AN ASTUTE ENOUGH INDIVIDUAL TO SURMISE WHAT IRON MONKEY’S DEAL IS. THEIR ALBUM OUR PROBLEM SOUNDS EXACTLY HOW THIS LOOKS. SO IRON MONKEY (THEYRE FROM ENGLAND WHICH I GUESS IS KINDA WEIRD SINCE I DOUBT THERE’S A LOT OF BAYOUS OR SHRIMP N GRITS IN BRITAIN) JUST KINDA APPEARED FOR A FEW YEARS, MADE A FEW RECORDS WITH BATHROOM STALL GRAFFITTI COVER ART, THEN THEY BROKE UP, AND NOW IT’S LIKE A FULL LIFETIME FOR THE AVERAGE METAL LIFESTYLE WRITER AND BANG BANG THEY GOT THE DRUMMER FROM CHAOS UK (EASILY IN MY TOP 5 “BANDS MY FRIENDS WHO LIKE PUNK TALK ABOUT THAT I’VE NEVER LISTENED TO ONCE”) AND DECIDED TO PUT OUT THIS RECORD THAT NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE NO ONE EVEN KNEW IRON MONKEY WAS BACK LOL I LOVE IRON MONKEY AND I FOUND THIS BY ACCIDENT. SO NOW THAT WERE ALMOST A THOUSAND WORDS IN LET’S GET TO THE ACTUAL ALBUM: 9-13 IS ONE OF THE BETTER “RETURN OF AN OLD BAND” RECORDS I’VE EVER HEARD. IRON MONKEY IS EVERY BIT AS AGGRESSIVE, GROOVY, AND NEEDLESSLY ANGRY AS EVER. EVERY SONG SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE GETTING YOUR TEETH EXTRACTED. I’D TALK ABOUT THE INSTRUMENTS BUT IT’S A SLUDGE METAL RECORD SO YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT THE GUITARS ARE GOING TO SOUND HUGE AND THERE’S GOING TO BE SOME PREMIUM RIFFS AND REALLY ENORMOUS DRUMS. THE CHAOS UK GUY ALSO PLAYS FASTER THAN IRON MONKEY NORMALLY WOULD GO AND THAT’S EXCITING. THE VOCALS SOUND LIKE THEY WERE DONE THROUGH TWO TIN CANS CONNECTED BY A STRING AND IT FITS THE INSTRUMENTATION SO WELL IT’S UNBELIEVABLE. ALSO THE GUITARIST/VOCALIST LOOKS LIKE KODAK BLACK LMAO. I’D BE REMISS TO NOT BRING UP HOW THIS ALBUM HAS POSSIBLY THE HARDEST RIFF IVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. THE PART AROUND 4:15 IN “TOADCRUCIFIER” IS SO FUCKING HEAVY. I CAN LITERALLY FEEL A SWEATY GUY’S OVERLY AGGRESSIVE PUSH MOSH MATERIALIZE WHILE I HEAR IT. IF YOU’RE NOT FUCKING LAME AND LIKE MUSIC THAT SOUNDS LIKE JAGUAR FIGHT SONGS CHECK OUT THIS RECORD. IDK WHAT ELSE TO TELL YOU. I’M OUT. -MICHAEL T.
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