(PICTURED: ME RN)
WHAT’S POPPING YOU WALKING VEIN WINDBREAKERS?!!?!?!1?? IT’S ME, YOUR BOY, MR. “IM GOING TO POP DANE COOK IN THE GRILL BECAUSE I DON’T WANT THAT COWARD TO EVER FORGET THAT JAMES ROLFE GOT SHOOTERS” THIS ISN’T HYPERBOLE DON’T GET IT FUCKED UP I WOULD ABSOLUTELY HIT DANE COOK IN THE HEAD WITH A PADLOCK AND IF ANY OF YOU THINK THAT MY BELLICOSE ATTITUDE TOWARDS A MANCHILD CELEBRITY FROM 2006 BECAUSE HE INSULTED THE ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD IS UNWARRANTED YOU ARE A PIGEON-HEARTED CASUIST AND YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT NINTENDOCORE. FUCK IT JASON SUDEKIS MIGHT JUST CATCH A FADE TOO BECAUSE HE KINDA LOOKS LIKE HIM ANYWAYS IN MY LAST LIL ARTICLE I TALKED ABOUT HOW I WAS GOING TO WRITE ABOUT NINTENDOCORE IF PEOPLE EXPRESSED INTEREST IN MY DOING SO BUT LOL JOKES ON YOU GUYS I’M GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY. IT’S NOT LIKE Y’ALL CAN DO ANYTHING TO STOP ME I PROLLY GET MORE SHARES/VIEWS ON THIS WEBSITE THAN SOME OF THE ACTUAL WRITERS* ON HERE, ESPECIALLY THE ONE THAT HATES NINTENDOCORE BUT INSISTS THAT THE FIRST FEW AVENGED SEVENFOLD RECORDS WERE GOOD LMAO FOH IF I WANTED TO HEAR BLEEDING THROUGH COSPLAYING AS GUNS ’N’ ROSES I’D JUST LISTEN TO THAT SHITTY COMPILATION RECORD WHERE DILLINGER BUTCHERED “MY MICHELLE” AND UNEARTH FORGOT THE LYRICS TO “IT’S SO EASY” (*ITS CESAR LMAO ILL BE THE INSTIGATOR OF YOUR FIRST LITERARY BEEF SKRRRTTT) OKAY NOW THAT I PROBABLY LOST ALL YOUR INTERESTS IN THIS INCREDIBLY ESOTERIC SUBJECT LET ME REEL YOU BACK IN WITH SOME SCENE SETTING: IT’S THE MID-LATE 2000s: YOUR WCW HAS COONTAIL HAIR AND A STACK OF TWLOHA BRACELETS ON HER ARMS. SUICIDE SILENCE ONLY HAS TWO RECORDS OUT AND THEY’RE NOT THAT BAD. PRESIDENT BUSH WAS THE WORST PRESIDENT OF YOUR LIFETIME. GUYS WITH GAUGES WHO PLAY DRUMS IN DEATHCORE BANDS HAVE CRUNK SIDE PROJECTS (AS OPPOSED TO NOW WHERE EVERY BAND THAT TRIED TO RIP OFF NORTHLANE HAS AT LEAST 3 SOUNDCLOUD RAPPERS IN THEM) THIS IS THE AGE OF ZANYCORE. WHAT’S ZANYCORE, YOU ASK? ZANYCORE WAS BASICALLY JUST MATHCORE PLAYED BY SKINNY KIDS WHO WORE WHITE BELTS AND MADE MERCH WITH RUGRATS CHARACTERS EATING EACH OTHER OR SOMETHING AND ALMOST ALL OF THEM HADABANDNAMETHATWASASENTENCEWRITTENASONEWORD ZANYCORE WAS A WEIRD GENRE BECAUSE IT RANGED FROM REALLY BAD MEME MUSIC LIKE IWRESTLEDABEARONCE WHERE THEIR ENTIRE SCHTICK WAS JUST “LMAO SO RANDUM1!!1 xDDDD” TO REALLY, GENUINELY GOOD BANDS LIKE DUCK DUCK GOOSE THAT WOULD HAVE SURVIVED THE GREAT SCENE PURGE OF 2013 IF THEIR BAND MEMBERS DIDN’T LOOK LIKE DEZ & NATE (IM COMPLETELY SERIOUS THE FIRST DUCK DUCK GOOSE ALBUM IS EASILY IN MY TOP 20 RECORDS OF ALL TIME AND THEIR SIDE PROJECT RAP BAND KDNPRS HOLDS THE DISTINCTION OF BEING THE ONLY RAP-ROCK BAND IN HISTORY THAT DOESN’T SUCK) LMAO I PROBABLY JUST GAVE AT LEAST 35 PEOPLE ’NAM FLASHBACKS OF WHEN THEIR MYSPACE NAMES WERE LIKE “xMELISSAxMISERYx” OR “jasonatethelochnessmonster” OR SOME SHIT BUT ANY IDK MY POINT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THAT ZANYCORE AND NINTENDOCORE WERE LIKE COUSIN GENRES SINCE THEY WERE OSTENSIBLY THE SAME THING EXCEPT ONE GENRE WOULD HAVE SOMEONE PLAYING A GAMEBOY AS AN INSTRUMENT AND THE OTHER ONE WOULD HAVE A MYSPACE PHOTO ALBUM OF UNDERAGE SCENE GIRLS HOLDING SIGNS WITH THEIR NAMES ON THEM BUT I’M REALLY BAD AT STAYING ON TRACK WITH THESE THINGS BECAUSE TRYING TO STRUCTURE AN EDITORIAL ON THE FACT THAT WHEN I WAS 16 I REALLY LIKED CHIPTUNE BREAKDOWNS IS KINDA HARD YA FEEL ME? WHATEVER IT’S NINTENDOCORE TIME NOW SO I’M JUST GONNA GIVE YOU THE SPARKNOTES VERSION OF THE BANDS THAT OCCUPIED THE RELATED VIDEOS SECTION OF YOUTUBE EVERY TIME I TRIED TO G OFF ON SOME HORSE THE BAND TRACK WHILE I WAS WAITING FOR MY FRIENDS TO STOP USING MY HOUSE AS A PUBLIC BATHROOM *PUTS POWERGLOVES ON BOTH FISTS AND WINDMILL MOSHES SO FAST THE MOTOROLA RAZR FLIES FROM YOUR HANDS AND BREAKS AGAINST THE WALL OF THE AMITY TEEN CENTER* ALSO SPOILER I’M NOT GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT THE BAND POWERGLOVE AT ALL LMAO BEING VAGUELY ASSOCIATED WITH VIDEOGAMES DOESN’T MAKE YOU NINTENDOCORE; PROGRAMMED SYNTH LEADS, QUARTER NOTE BREAKDOWNS, AND VOCALISTS WHO AREN’T GOOD AT SINGING OR SCREAMING MAKES YOU NINTENDOCORE SKY EATS AIRPLANE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wb2W2flJF94 NEXT TO HORSE THE BAND, SKY EATS AIRPLANE WAS PROBABLY THE MOST WELL-KNOWN BAND IN THE WHOLE NINTENDOCORE MOVEMENT. THERE WAS A 50% CHANCE THAT THIS SONG OR THE ACOUSTIC TRACK THEY DID WAS ON AT LEAST ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IPOD NANO. APPARENTLY THIS ENTIRE RECORD WAS DONE BY TWO GUYS AND THE GUY WHOS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE INSTRUMENTS OWNS A LIGHTING COMPANY NOW SWEAR TO GOD LOL SKY EATS AIRPLANE DID ANOTHER ALBUM AFTER THIS ONE (EDIT: APPARENTLY THEY ALSO DID AN EP TOO BUT I JUST LEARNED ABOUT IT NOW) AND THAT ONE WAS LESS NINTENDOCORISH AND MORE ALONG THAT THING THAT ASKING ALEXANDRIA AND ENTER SHIKARI DID WHERE IT WAS KINDA EDM-ISH ONLY WITH LESS COMPLETELY AWFUL PEOPLE INVOLVED (FOR THE MOST PART) LOL THE LEAD SINGLE FROM THAT ALBUM HAD THE GUY FROM OH, SLEEPER ON IT YALL REMEMBER OH, SLEEPER? I’M PRETTY SURE THERE’S PEOPLE WHO WERE IN OH, SLEEPER THAT FORGOT ABOUT OH, SLEEPER SKY EATS AIRPLANE ALSO HAD JERRY ROUSH AS A VOCALIST FOR A WHILE AND THAT GUY HOLDS THE RECORD FOR MOST L’s TAKEN AS A MUSICIAN EVER SINCE HE WAS IN 2 BANDS THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO BLOW UP BUT NEVER DID (S.E.A. AND GLASSCLOUD, LMAO GLASSCLOUD) AND ALSO WAS A FILL IN FOR OF MICE AND MEN BUT GOT KICKED OUT ONCE THE ATTACK ATTACK! GUY CAME BACK UNTIL HE QUIT AGAIN FOR LIKE THE 300000TH TIME LOL SORRY JERRY AS THE WORLD FADES: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P48ancyMI9M THIS BAND WAS A ONE HIT WONDER OF YOUTUBE LOL. THE BEGINNING OF THIS SONG WAS KINDA SICK IN 2010 BUT JESUS CHRIST THIS GUY CAN’T SING AT ALL. HE SOUNDS LIKE HE’S ON THE PHONE TRYING TO ASK A RADIO HOST THE NAME OF A SONG HE DOESN’T KNOW BUT CAN REMEMBER THE MELODY OF. IDK THIS BAND IS P. FORGETTABLE BUT THIS TRACK IS OKAY AND IT AND IN THE END OF THIS VIDEO THERE IS A MICROSOFT POWERPOINT DISSOLVE AND AN xD FACE IN IT. THIS IS BASICALLY THE MUSICAL EQUIVALENT OF THOSE RAINBOW SOUR GUMMY RIBBONS (DRAW YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS) IAMERROR/MONOMATE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSzn64V7pMQ https://monomate.bandcamp.com/album/grand-battle OKAY SO CONFESSION TIME: I KNEW ABOUT IAMERROR WHEN I WAS YOUNGER BUT JUST LEARNED ABOUT MONOMATE IN LIKE, THE PAST COUPLE WEEKS. BASICALLY WHAT HAPPENED WAS THIS GUY NAMED PETE (HE WENT BY P33T BECAUSE 2010) HAD THIS OKAY BUT NOT GREAT INSTRUMENTAL BAND NAMED AFTER THAT ZELDA NPC BUT THEN DECIDED “WHATEVER I’LL DO VOCALS ON IT AND RE-RELEASE IT” AND IT’S LEGITIMATELY ONE OF, IF NOT THE BEST RECORDS IN THIS SUBGENRE. GRAND BATTLE IS A REALLY FUN, NOSTALGIC, AND MELODIC NINTENDOCORE RECORD WITH A BUNCH OF REALLY WELL-DONE MELODIES IN IT I’M KINDA PISSED I DIDN’T FIND THIS WHEN I WAS 15 SO I COULD HAVE TALKED ABOUT IT MORE AND NOT HAVE IT SEEM SO WEIRD AS PIRATES OFTEN DO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlWgqih7FGQ LMAOOOOOOOOOOO DID Y’ALL REALLY EXPECT ME NOT TO MAKE A CONNECTICUT JOKE IN THIS BISH!? APOD WAS THE MOST POPPING BAND IN THE 203 DURING THE SCENE YEARS AND I HATED THE SHIT OUT OF THEM FOR REALLY STUPID REASONS LIKE FAKE RUMORS AND HOW THEIR HAIR LOOKED WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN HATING THEM FOR LEGITIMATE REASONS LIKE BEING FROM THE CITY THAT MY HOMETOWN WOULD ROUTINELY CRUSH AT FOOTBALL EVERY THANKSGIVING GO GAELS FUCK THE RED RAIDERS APOD DIDN’T IDENTIFY AS NINTENDOCORE BUT SOMEONE CALLED THEM THAT ON A FACEBOOK GROUP AND I HAD A CONNIPTION FIT AND ALMOST BROKE MY NES BELT BUCKLE IN HALF BECAUSE I HATED THEM SO MUCH APOD WAS BASICALLY JUST THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA BUT A LITTLE LESS JESUS AND A LITTLE MORE GUITAR LEADS. I WAS AT THEIR LAST SHOW AND I GOT A BLACK EYE FROM SOME KID IN A MEMPHIS MAY FIRE SHIRT WHO WAS ACTUALLY SUPER NICE AND APOLOGIZED AND WHEN I FOUND THE KID I WENT TO THE SHOW WITH AND HE SAW MY EYE HE WENT BERSERK. LMAO HOMIE LAUNCHED HIMSELF INTO A FLYING FALCON PUNCH AND KNOCKED OUT A KID THAT WASN’T EVEN THE ONE WHO HIT ME LOL I’M FRIENDS WITH ALL THE KIDS FROM APOD NOW THOUGH WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT 2011 ME WOULD HAVE BURST INTO FLAMES AT THE THOUGHT OF, SO I GUESS THAT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE A DICK AND TRY TO FIGHT KIDS YOU BARELY KNOW AT CARNIVALS BECAUSE LIKE 5 YEARS LATER YOU COULD BE FRIENDS WITH THEM (SORRY ERIC) ISHOTTHEDUCKHUNTDOG: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O91u418QTxs WHEN I WAS MAKING THIS LIST I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW I HATED THIS BAND SO MUCH BUT HAD FORGOTTEN WHY. BUT WHEN I FOUND THE LINK FOR THIS SONG I REMEMBERED. THIS IS THE MOST PAINFULLY 2010 4CHAN IMAGE I’VE SEEN IN MY LIFE. LMAO THIS IS FUCKING TRASH B. THIS SOUNDS LIKE ISETMYFRIENDSONFIRE BUT WITH SOMEONE PLAYING KIRBY’S DREAMLAND IN THE BACKGROUND. I’M WILLING TO BET AN UNOPENED CAN OF CRUNK JUICE THAT WHOEVER WAS INVOLVED IN THIS PROJECT BECAME A DUBSTEP DJ AND NOW IS ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO WEARS SHIRTS WITH HOLES IN THEM AND DEFENDS XXXTENTACION IN FACEBOOK GROUPS 100DEADRABBITS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwemYblvYTM DESPITE GOING AS FAR AS COVERING HORSE THE BAND (THE COVER SUCKED BTW) THESE GUYS SOUNDED MORE LIKE THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA THAN ANYTHING ELSE BUT THEY HAD SOME BANGERS WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE BESIDES THAT EP ABOUT ZOMBIES THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA HAS EXACTLY ZERO BANGERS. LMAO THESE GUYS TRIED TO GET SERIOUS AND PULL A CODE ORANGE BY DROPPING THE “RABBITS” FROM THEIR NAME BUT NO ONE GAVE A SHIT BY THEN LOL. ONE TIME WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER ONE OF MY FRIENDS GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH A KID AT A SHOW WHO WAS WEARING A 100DEADRABBITS SHIRT AND THAT 100DEADRABBITS KID GOT HIS SHIT ROCKED WHICH SHOULDN’T BE SURPRISING, GIVEN THAT THE FIGHT WAS BETWEEN A KID WEARING A PARKA WITH BASKETBALL SHORTS AND ANOTHER KID WHO, AS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED, WAS WEARING A MAGENTA COLORED 100DEADRABBITS SHIRT. THE SONG IN THE LINK WAS PRETTY COOL BUT I WAS EMBARRASSED EVERY TIME I SAW THE BACKGROUND LMAO WHICH SUICIDE GIRL WAS THIS? IMMA COME CLEAN I NEVER GOT THE WHOLE SUICIDE GIRL THING BUT I THINK IT WAS MOSTLY CUZ WHEN I WAS LIKE 11 I WATCHED A LOT OF THAT VH1 SHOW WHERE THE GUY FROM POISON MADE OUT WITH A BUNCH OF THEM AND IT KINDA CAUSED ME TO DEVELOP A TASTE AVERSION TO IT OR SOMETHING IDK I JUST DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO THINK ABOUT BRET MICHAELS AT ANY POINT DURING COURTSHIP IF POSSIBLE THANK YOU AMYCANFLYY: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZrhRcp3pBA THIS SHIT PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH BECAUSE I GOT DUPED INTO LISTENING TO THEM MORE THAN ONCE. THESE GUYS WERE ALWAYS BEING BROUGHT UP IN THE NINTENDOCORE SUBJECTS EVEN THOUGH THIS IS JUST A NICKASAUR CLONE BAND LMAO REMEMBER NICKASAUR? I WONDER WHAT THAT GUYS DOING NOW LOL HE’S PROBABLY IN A GROUPCHAT WITH ALEX EVANS AND THE READY SET COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW NO ONE AT THE PACSUNS THEY MANAGE TAKES THEM SERIOUSLY HORSE THE BAND: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7wpzKvNhfA&list=PLMns_xL63MWMA4YhROj8FeBL_bohbpALq OKAY LET ME START OFF WITH A BOLD STATEMENT: HORSE THE BAND HAVE ONE OF THE GREATEST OEUVRES IN THE LAST DECADE. NOW LET ME FOLLOW UP WITH AN EVEN BOLDER STATEMENT IN CASE YOU DORKS WERENT READY: HORSE THE BAND IS THE MOST UNDERRATED METAL/HARDCORE BAND EVER. NOW REAL QUICK, LETS DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN “OVERLOOKED” AND “UNDERRATED.” A FORGOTTEN GEM OF A BAND LIKE SIX GALLERY IS OVERLOOKED. THEY WEREN’T POPULAR WHEN THEY WERE AROUND, THEY REMAIN IN RELATIVE OBSCURITY TO THIS DAY. AN UNDERRATED THING IS SOMETHING THAT PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT, BUT DON’T GIVE ENOUGH CREDIT TO, LIKE JOHN GOODMAN OR THAT MEME OF THE DINOSAUR GOING YEEE EVERYONE IS AWARE OF HORSE THE BAND BUT VERY FEW PEOPLE REALIZE HOW FANTASTIC THEY ARE ONCE YOU GET PAST THE INITIAL GIMMICK. WHILE THEY HAVE A BUNCH OF SILLY SONGS, INCLUDING AN ALBUM ABOUT FUCKING PIZZA, THEY HAVE A SCOPE OF SONGWRITING THAT BORDERS ON THAT OF A POST-ROCK BAND. I’M COMPLETELY SERIOUS THE FIRST TIME I HEARD HORSE THE BAND I WAS AT MY DAD’S HOUSE TO WATCH THAT FREE ON DEMAND THING FOR FUSE, TRYING TO FIND SONGS TO USE AN ITUNES GIFT CARD I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS ON (THAT’S A VERY OLD SENTENCE), AND WHEN I SAW THE VIDEO FOR “SHAPESHIFT” I STARTED CRYING. I GOT TO SEE HORSE THE BAND A COUPLE YEARS AGO IN THE SAME WEEK THAT I SAW THE ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD MOVIE AT SOME THEATRE IN NEW YORK AND IT WAS KINDA LIKE 16 YEAR OLD ME WAS BEING REINCARNATED. I’VE BEEN TO HUNDREDS OF SHOWS IN MY LIFE BUT THE MOST IGNORANT I’VE EVER BEEN WAS FOR H THE B LOL. I RAN ON PEOPLES HEADS LIKE I WAS JESUS OR SOME SHIT DURING HALF THE SET AND SCISSOR KICKED SOMEONE IN THE HEAD DURING “CUTSMAN” I WAS AN ASSHOLE LOL SORRY. DUDE I’M JUST RAMBLING AT THIS POINT HORSE THE BAND IS SO COOL I HAD A DREAM ABOUT PAYING NATHAN WILKE $200.00 TO DO A GUEST SPOT ON A LUCRETIA SONG LOL I MAY JUST DO THAT. IN CONCLUSION: TL;DR HORSE THE BAND IS BETTER THAN DEAFHEAVEN OR WHATEVER LAME BAND YOU LIKE AND NINTENDOCORE WAS SICK AND IT WOULD HAVE DONE A LOT BETTER IF THE MAJORITY OF ITS FANBASE DIDN’T CONSIST OF THOSE KIDS WHO WORE NECKLACES MADE OUT OF MONSTER ENERGY PULLTABS NOW GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE BEFORE I SELECT-START-A-B YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE -Michael T.
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