Anterrabae - Shakedown Tonight!Sonically speaking, you could probably slip Shakedown Tonight! right before or right after Last Night in Town and not raise too many eyebrows. Both records may sound a little immature compared to what Every Time I Die would go go on to accomplish, but immaturity is half their appeal: there are as many moments of half-assed brilliance on Last Night in Town as flat-out brilliant ones, sometimes side by side in the same song, and the batting average is so even across the board that you can still find some of its songs mixed into the band’s recent setlists. Despite a consensus that Every Time I Tie have moved far beyond this kind of kind of songwriting, “Emergency Broadcast Syndrome,” “Jimmy Tango’s Method,” and “The Logic of Crocodiles” remains fan favorites; and for those who miss this volcanic period of growth for the band, Shakedown Tonight! has a big, sloppy grin on its face just for you. Anterrabae hail from Long Island, but they don’t sit very well beside the likes of Agnostic Front, Vision of Disorder, and Cro-Mags. They don’t take themselves very seriously at all. Shakedown Tonight! is a keg party in audio form, full of cheerfully berserk riffing and the faintest inklings of emo, perhaps a byproduct of landing on Triple Crown Records. The songwriting, however, couldn’t be further removed the label’s typical fare. Shakedown Tonight! can barely hold onto its breakdowns, gang chants, tempo changes, shout-alongs, and sing-alongs from the moment “How Joey Got His Groove Back” kicks in, through the twitchy “Dressed To Thrill” and the frenetic “Curfews, Alcohol, and Other Jealousy Related Incidents”; it’s only this song’s gooey acoustic center and “Clever Shoplifting Tactics” that hints at their labelmates in Brand New and Folly before “Etcetera” gets things back on track. A swift kick of dissonance and Drowningman-lite nihilism, this song is exemplary of Anterrabae’s offbeat lyrics: Lesson one: involves a slice of rye and a hand grenade. A reminder to what we once were, a mere glimpse as to all that we will become. Black preceding black. A hint of life (of nothingness) sporadically appears though, as if fate is having fun with us. Vertical incisions require more imagination. Lies are not lies when you're fooling yourself. Lesson two: and the maturity factor. White lined trophies and black book romances just prove walking before crawling. It's pretty hard to keep that tan through the cracks in the walls and it's quite sad to know that you're condemned to long sleeves and food stamps because when he was trying to save you from this place, you were alright. This is the universal. Lesson three: I'm still screaming. “Ready Set Explode” is all about its nasty, lurching breakdowns, after which “Her Face Was A Sturdy In Martyred Innocence” acts as a melancholy reprieve (its chants of “I’m sorry is never enough” are surprisingly emotive), but otherwise, it’s one of the album’s only true stumbles, preferring to recycle a couple of tricks we’ve already heard the band pull off earlier on Shakedown Tonight!, and with more style. It’s better thought of as a bit of downtime before the absolute riff-a-thon of “Engage Catch Phrase,” which packs energetic call-and-response vocals and may just be the highlight of the record. “Nevertheless She Was a Mess” bristles with pinch harmonics, and true-to-form, is some of the messiest and most uninhibited music on the album - you can almost feel the stagedive injuries as brilliant lines like “Beware! I have a disease where borderline intolerance fucks lethargy in rhythmic fashion!” cut through the mix. The sizzling fretwork of “Mending Tones from Vowels and Frowns” would make a great note to end on if not for the obligatory balladry of “CA Speech Goodbye.” Here’s the other stumble on Shakedown Tonight!: it may get off to a promising start with a bass-led introduction, but the songwriting is stilted and awkward, and the decision to rely on weak vocal melodies and subdued guitar plunking deprives the record of a proper ending. It almost seems as if Anterrabae were aiming for something grand and conclusive, either a spoof or an honest attempt at an emotional epic, but they fall so short of that mark that it simply leaves the listener wondering what happened as the album peters out, falls flat, and fades to black. Most people’s introduction to Anterrabae is by way of the Bomb the Music Industry! song “Happy Anterrabae Day!!!” With its vulgar synth and corny hard-rock build-up, Long Island’s history of venerated hardcore acts isn’t quite the first thing on the listener’s mind; but when the song picks up with the band’s energetic style of punk, it begins to make sense. Lyrically, the song addresses the misdirected aggression of your typical mosh-bro, making a number of insights along the way-- “we're all here for the same stupid reason / we all like some stupid band,” and “Think about the reason you went to shows at twelve years old / We all felt alone” are my favorites. They named this song after Anterrabae for a pretty simple reason: they agree that music, no matter how “hard,” should be fun. -Brian L.
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Black Sheep Wall - I Am God Songs (2008)AYYYYYYY HOWDY YOU FUCKING WEEBS I WAS PERSUADED BY THE STAFFINGTON OF THIS WEBBY TO WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR Y’ALL AND I WAS LIKE “LMAO SURE WHY NOT MY BOSS IS OUT OF THE OFFICE TODAY AND IT’S BETTER THAN SPENDING THE NEXT 4 HOURS SHITPOSTING BECAUSE YESTERDAY SOME 14 YEAR OLD KID IN NEW JERSEY NAMED NOAH OR SOME SHIT PROLLY USED A ROBOT AND BOUGHT 1500000 PAIRS OF THE NIKES I WANTED AND NOW I HAVE TO FIND MEANING IN SOMETHING
IF YOU’RE READING THIS NOAH YOU’RE A WORMINGTON I HOPE YOUR MOM CATCHES YOU BLASTING ROPE TO OVERWATCH FAN ART. (EDIT: IN THE AMOUNT OF TIME IT'S TAKEN FOR THESE WALKING BURIED ALIVE BASKETBALL JERSEYS TO RELEASE THIS FUCKING ARTICLE I’VE MANAGED TO COP 3 PAIRS OF THESE SHOES ON RESTOCKS LMAO CATCH YA MANS FLEXGOD APOCALYPSE LOOKING LIKE A MONOCHROME VERSION OF KYLE REESE ON THE GRAM @THEREAINTNOFUTUREINTHIS) SORRY WAS THAT AN ABRUPT INTRO GOOD BECAUSE *SEGUE* BLACK SHEEP WALL’S I AM GOD SONGS HAS THE MOST ABRUPT INTRO TO ANY ALBUM I EVER HEARD IT'S JUST LIKE THIS GUY TALKING TO HIS MOMS OR SOME SHIT THEN DEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN DOOON DOOON DOON DOOONE DOONE DDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRN I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I HEARD THAT I WAS LIKE “YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” AND THEN I SPENT THE NEXT HOUR IN MY OLD DORM ROOM PUNCHING MY WALL AND PLAYING IT AS LOUD AS I POSSIBLY COULD OUT OF MY SHITTY PORTABLE SPEAKERS BECAUSE MY R.A. LIVED IN THE ROOM THAT CONNECTED TO MINE AND SHE WAS ALWAYS ARGUING WITH HER BOYFRIEND WHO WAS A MAJOR GOON THIS GUY HAD A MOTORCYCLE HELMET WITH A MOHAWK ON IT AND AN EYEBROW RING I HATED THAT GUY SO MUCH. LOL I HAD ONE OF THEIR SHIRTS AND I WORE IT UNDER A BLACK WINDBREAKER EVERY DAY IN THE SPRING/SUMMER AFTER MY FRESHMAN YEAR BECAUSE 2013 WAS A SHITTY TIME FOR EVERYONE. SO BEFORE WE GET STARTED IMMA PUT IN ONE OF THOSE PARTS WHERE ITS LIKE “HERES SOME BACKGROUND INFO THAT I GOT FROM WIKIPEDIA” BUT LETS BE REAL ANY BAND WITH A WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE ISNT COOL UNLESS ITS LIKE 5 SENTENCES LONG AND OBVIOUSLY WRITTEN BY A BANDMATE SO HERES EVERYTHING I GATHERED OVER THE YEARS ABOUT BLACK SHEEP WALL: - THEY CANNOT KEEP A LINE UP TO SAVE THEIR LIFE. I THINK EVERY LP THEY’VE RELEASED HAD A DIFFERENT VOCALIST -THEY GOT THEIR NAME FROM STARCRAFT OR SOMETHING EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE NOT FROM KOREA -THEY PLAY IN DROP G - THEYRE LINKED TO ADMIRAL ANGRY, I GUESS THEY HAVE A FEW OF THE SAME MEMBERS AT SOME TIME OR SOMETHING? - (MINI ADMIRAL ANGRY BUSTER MINI REVIEW: IT RULES. IT’S LIKE THE GROOVIEST PARTS OF A MESSHUGAH SONG BUT IF THEY HAD A POSSUM DOING VOCALS INSTEAD OF A REALLY ANGRY SPEAK-AND-SPELL. APPARENTLY THEIR GUITAR PLAYER CAME UP WITH THIS IDEA OF CONVERTING 5 STRING BASSES INTO 7 STRING GUITARS OR SOMETHING WILD LIKE THAT. HE DIED BEFORE THE ALBUM CAME OUT AND IT'S UNBELIEVABLY SAD. SORRY TO GET DOWN ON Y'ALL HERES MORE DIATRIBES ABOUT A SLUDGE-METALCORE ALBUM FROM THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION) GOTTAMN I'M BAD AT THIS IDK WHATEVER SHUT UP FUCK YOU. IMMA JUST GO TRACK BY TRACK FOR THIS ALBUM BECAUSE I'M ALREADY KINDA LOSING FOCUS AND SO FAR I'VE ONLY REVIEWED THE FIRST 11 SECONDS OF THE ALBUM AND I'M ALREADY LIKE 600 WORDS IN LMAO NIHILITY OKAY LIKE I SAID BEFORE THE INTRO TO THIS SONG IS FUCKING FIRE. THIS HONESTLY MAY BE THE HEAVIEST SONG I’VE EVER HEARD. THE “DEVOUT DIVINEEE” PART INTO THE BREAKDOWN MAKES ME WANT TO HANG MYSELF IT'S SO HEAVY. ALSO THE ENDING PART SOUNDS LIKE AN ACACIA STRAIN SONG EXCEPT IT DOESN’T SUCK. IF I WAS A WEENIE WHO WAS TRYING TO ACT OVERLY VERBOSE I WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE “THE RUMBLING BASS BECKONS TO AN UNDERLYING PRESSURE TO THE LISTENER, WITH THE UNBELIEVABLY DETUNED GUITARS ACTING MORE AS PERCUSSIVE AGENTS TO ASSAULT THE EAR, LETTING UP ONLY FOR THE OCCASIONAL RELIEF FROM THE SONIC ONSLAUGHT, WHILE THE VOCALS HOWL IN A MID-PITCHED SNARL, ACTING NOT OUT OF THE PROTOTYPICAL ‘I'M TOUGHER THAN YOU’ METAL MINDSET BUT INSTEAD RUMINATING ON THE PERDITION OF LIFE, A SEEMINGLY ENDLESS ABEYANCE OF SUFFERING THAT ONE CAN EITHER PRETEND TO OVERCOME OR ACCEPT THE FUTILITY OF ACTING AGAINST IT AND SURRENDER YOUR OWN AGENCY TO THE CYNICISM OF THE UNIVERSE” BUT I SAVE BEING A GARRULOUS PRICK FOR WHEN I'M TALKING TO PEOPLE IN PERSON SO COME CATCH ME UNDERNEATH A BRIDGE IN THE VALLEY IF YOU WANT ME TO CYBERBULLY YOU IRL (THIS MEANS YOU CESAR) CARE BY CARCINOGENIC THIS IS THE SONG WITH THE ONE RELATIVELY FAST PART RIGHT? IDK I'M LITERALLY WRITING THIS AT WORK I DON’T KNOW THIS SHIT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD BUT FROM WHAT I REMEMBER IT'S ALMOST A METALCORE SONG I THINK IDK THIS ALBUM CAME OUT IN 2008 I'LL FORGIVE THEM. LOL I'M HONESTLY SHOCKED THEY NEVER SOLD ANY OF THOSE SHIRTS WITH THEIR LYRICS IN SIZE 5 TRILLION FONT ON IT DJEWBF348THOQAB LMAO THIS SONG'S TITLE IS LIKE WHEN WE ALL HAD THOSE PHONES WITH THE QWERTY KEYPADS THAT SLID OUT? THIS IS THE UNIVERSAL “I'M FRUSTRATED” THING YOU’D DO WHEN YOU WERE 16 LOL REMEMBER THAT THING EVERYONE DID WHERE YOU’D MASH BUTTONS BECAUSE YOU’RE GETTING X-RATED TEXTS DURING ENGLISH CLASS OR BECAUSE YOUR SCHOOL RAN OUT OF THOSE FIZZY JUICES OR WHATEVER LOL DUDE REAL TALK I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MACBETH ENDED BECAUSE INSTEAD OF PAYING ATTENTION WHILE MY JUNIOR YEAR ENGLISH CLASS READ IT I WAS DOING THE AFOREMENTIONED MODEST MACHINE THIS SONG IS DUMB LONG AND HAS A REALLY SICK INTRO WHERE IT HAS LIKE A NOT-REALLY-OFF-TIME-BUT-IT-SORTA-SOUND-LIKE-IT FLOW. THIS SONG KINDA REMINDS ME OF A POST-ROCK TRACK ONLY IT’S NOT PLAYED BY A BUNCH OF SKINNYFAT DUDES WITH BEARDS WEARING PLAID SHIRTS FROM TJ MAXX. LMAO I’D CALL IT POST-METAL BUT ACCORDING TO THAT GUY FROM ROSETTA POST-METAL DOESN’T EXIST BECAUSE “METAL HASN’T ENDED YET” LMAO THAT’S A REAL QUOTE THIS GUY IS A TEACHER AT A SCHOOL I THINK (ROSETTA IS GREAT THOUGH NO OFFENSE DUDE JUST LEARN WHAT WORDS MEAN PLZ ALSO THE GUY FROM ROSETTA LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THE MYTHBUSTERS AND NO ONE EVER BRINGS THAT UP) MYOLDEN ALL JOKING ASIDE THIS IS PROBABLY THE BEST SONG ON THE ALBUM I THINK IDK? IT'S EITHER THIS OR “NIHILITY.” THIS ONE IS ALSO THE MOST EMO OUT OF THEM WHICH KINDA MAKES SENSE FOR SOME REASON? THERE’S CLEAN SINGING AND SPOKEN WORD PARTS AND THERE’S A BRIDGE WHERE IT'S LIKE “THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS THAT I SOMETIMES THOUGHT IT WAS NOT SO MUCH THAT I WANTED TO DIE AS THAT I WANTED TO GO ON NOT LIVING IN MY PRESENT MATTER” WHICH SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE IN THE INSTAGRAM BIO OF SOMEONE WITH A TATTOO OF A DAGGER ON THEIR ARM BUT WHO WORKS SELLING VANS AT THE MALL OR SOMETHING (SORRY IF I JUST OFFENDED THE ENTIRE MUSIC SCENE IN CONNECTICUT) LAMB…GAY THE GUY IN THE BEGINNING OF THIS HAS THE SAME VOICE AS ME AND IT ALWAYS KINDA FREAKS ME OUT. ALSO THIS SONG’S NAME SUCKS SO MUCH IT'S KIND OF BAFFLING. TRACK IS GOOD THOUGH I LIKED THE DOUBLE BASS PART BECAUSE I HAVE A SLIPKNOT TATTOO SO NATURALLY I LIKE MID-PACED DOUBLE BASS PARTS AND WISH MORE BANDS BESIDES JOY WOULD EMBRACE THE FACT THAT SLIPKNOT IS THE MAIN REASON 75% OF METAL BANDS THAT CAME OUT SINCE 2004 EXIST AND USE THE BEER KEG/BASEBALL BAT COMBO D327HT2QWBREF2 5G2 BRUH IT'S SUCH A SLOW DAY AT THE OFFICE I'M REWATCHING THAT VIDEO OF THE RUSSIAN NAVY SEALS WHOMST ARE ACTUALLY LIL SEALS AWW LOOK AT THOSE LIL GUYS WHEN DO YOU THINK THE RUSSIANS WILL TEACH DONALD TRUMP TO WEAR A CUTE HAT AND SPIN IN A CIRCL-OH WAIT IT'S ALREADY HAPPENED *HITCHCOCK SAMPLE THAT’S ALWAYS IN FUTURE SONGS PLAYS WHILE THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN AND OUT ON MY FACE* TEN FUCKING BILLION BRUH I LOVE THIS TRACK THE LAST “I FUCKING HAAAAAAAATE YOU” PART IS SO FUCKING HEAVY. I FUCKED UP MY HAND PUNCHING THE ROOF OF MY OLD BUICK CENTURY TO THAT PART BECAUSE I HAD AUBURN HAIR FOR A WHILE AND OBVIOUSLY WASN’T MAKING GOOD CHOICES. XIOMARA OKAY THIS SONG IS DEF THE WEAKEST ON THE ALBUM AND THERE'S LITERALLY TWO TRACKS OF JUST STATIC AND BASS LINES. I GET THE WHOLE “OH IF YOU LISTEN TO THE ALBUM FRONT TO BACK YOU GET INTO THIS MINDSET WHERE IT’S ACTUALLY TERRIFYING” THING BUT LIKE, NAH BRUH THEY GOT PEEWEE HERMAN DOING GUEST VOCALS. I DON’T DIG THINGS THAT HAVE CAVEATS TO ENJOY, LIKE “OH YOU NEED TO READ THE SCRIPT TO UNDERSTAND WHY NOTHING RIDLEY SCOTT DOES MAKES SENSE ANYMORE” OR “OH YOU NEED TO BE SMOKING ANGEL DUST TO BE SCARED BY A 20 SOMETHING YEAR OLD METAL KID FROM CALIFORNIA MAKING DOODLEBOB VOICES OVER A 4 BEAT” CONCLUSION: I'M SORRY IF I'VE THROWN IN TOO MANY ANECDOTES ABOUT MY LIFE BUT YOU NEED BACKGROUND TO UNDERSTAND ART MY GUY LIKE REAL QUICK IMMA SPIT SOME OSCAR WILDE KNOWLEDGE AT YOU BUT ACCORDING TO WILDE, ART HAS ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE OR MEANING OTHER THAN THE EXPRESSED INTENTION OF THE ARTIST SO @ EVERYONE WHO THINKS LED ZEPPELIN IS ART LMAO @ U BECAUSE THEIR INTENT WAS JUST TO GET AWAY WITH THROWING STING RAYS AT UNDERAGE GIRLS AND STEALING FROM DEAD BLACK PEOPLE (YOU CAN PUT A DISCLAIMER HERE IF YOU WANT BUT I SAID WHAT I SAID) WHATEVER THOUGH THIS ALBUM IS SICK AND IS WHAT EVERY DEATHCORE BAND WISHES THEY COULD BE WHICH IS FUNNY SINCE IT'S NOT REALLY DEATHCORE BUT MORE LIKE SLUDGEWAVE OR WHATEVER IF YOU CALL IT DOWNTEMPO IM GOING TO KNOCK THE ADIDAS SIDE STRIPES OFF OF YOU. I GIVE THIS 4 TEENAGERS WEARING “RIP MITCH LUCKER” SHIRTS WITH THE SLEEVES CUT OFF WONDERING WHEN GUTTURAL VOCALS COME IN OUTTA 5 OR LIKE THE LETTER GRADE OF B+/A- DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH CLASS PARTICIPATION BLACK SHEEP WALL HAS. I FUCK WIT THE MAJORITY OF IT YOU CAN PROLLY SKIP THE LAST SONG BUT IDK MAYBE YOU’LL FIND IT FUNNY OR SOMETHING I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU STUDDED BELT WEARING DWEEBS DO WITH YOUR TIME. -Michael T. (PICTURED: ME RN)
WHAT’S POPPING YOU WALKING VEIN WINDBREAKERS?!!?!?!1?? IT’S ME, YOUR BOY, MR. “IM GOING TO POP DANE COOK IN THE GRILL BECAUSE I DON’T WANT THAT COWARD TO EVER FORGET THAT JAMES ROLFE GOT SHOOTERS” THIS ISN’T HYPERBOLE DON’T GET IT FUCKED UP I WOULD ABSOLUTELY HIT DANE COOK IN THE HEAD WITH A PADLOCK AND IF ANY OF YOU THINK THAT MY BELLICOSE ATTITUDE TOWARDS A MANCHILD CELEBRITY FROM 2006 BECAUSE HE INSULTED THE ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD IS UNWARRANTED YOU ARE A PIGEON-HEARTED CASUIST AND YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT NINTENDOCORE. FUCK IT JASON SUDEKIS MIGHT JUST CATCH A FADE TOO BECAUSE HE KINDA LOOKS LIKE HIM ANYWAYS IN MY LAST LIL ARTICLE I TALKED ABOUT HOW I WAS GOING TO WRITE ABOUT NINTENDOCORE IF PEOPLE EXPRESSED INTEREST IN MY DOING SO BUT LOL JOKES ON YOU GUYS I’M GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY. IT’S NOT LIKE Y’ALL CAN DO ANYTHING TO STOP ME I PROLLY GET MORE SHARES/VIEWS ON THIS WEBSITE THAN SOME OF THE ACTUAL WRITERS* ON HERE, ESPECIALLY THE ONE THAT HATES NINTENDOCORE BUT INSISTS THAT THE FIRST FEW AVENGED SEVENFOLD RECORDS WERE GOOD LMAO FOH IF I WANTED TO HEAR BLEEDING THROUGH COSPLAYING AS GUNS ’N’ ROSES I’D JUST LISTEN TO THAT SHITTY COMPILATION RECORD WHERE DILLINGER BUTCHERED “MY MICHELLE” AND UNEARTH FORGOT THE LYRICS TO “IT’S SO EASY” (*ITS CESAR LMAO ILL BE THE INSTIGATOR OF YOUR FIRST LITERARY BEEF SKRRRTTT) OKAY NOW THAT I PROBABLY LOST ALL YOUR INTERESTS IN THIS INCREDIBLY ESOTERIC SUBJECT LET ME REEL YOU BACK IN WITH SOME SCENE SETTING: IT’S THE MID-LATE 2000s: YOUR WCW HAS COONTAIL HAIR AND A STACK OF TWLOHA BRACELETS ON HER ARMS. SUICIDE SILENCE ONLY HAS TWO RECORDS OUT AND THEY’RE NOT THAT BAD. PRESIDENT BUSH WAS THE WORST PRESIDENT OF YOUR LIFETIME. GUYS WITH GAUGES WHO PLAY DRUMS IN DEATHCORE BANDS HAVE CRUNK SIDE PROJECTS (AS OPPOSED TO NOW WHERE EVERY BAND THAT TRIED TO RIP OFF NORTHLANE HAS AT LEAST 3 SOUNDCLOUD RAPPERS IN THEM) THIS IS THE AGE OF ZANYCORE. WHAT’S ZANYCORE, YOU ASK? ZANYCORE WAS BASICALLY JUST MATHCORE PLAYED BY SKINNY KIDS WHO WORE WHITE BELTS AND MADE MERCH WITH RUGRATS CHARACTERS EATING EACH OTHER OR SOMETHING AND ALMOST ALL OF THEM HADABANDNAMETHATWASASENTENCEWRITTENASONEWORD ZANYCORE WAS A WEIRD GENRE BECAUSE IT RANGED FROM REALLY BAD MEME MUSIC LIKE IWRESTLEDABEARONCE WHERE THEIR ENTIRE SCHTICK WAS JUST “LMAO SO RANDUM1!!1 xDDDD” TO REALLY, GENUINELY GOOD BANDS LIKE DUCK DUCK GOOSE THAT WOULD HAVE SURVIVED THE GREAT SCENE PURGE OF 2013 IF THEIR BAND MEMBERS DIDN’T LOOK LIKE DEZ & NATE (IM COMPLETELY SERIOUS THE FIRST DUCK DUCK GOOSE ALBUM IS EASILY IN MY TOP 20 RECORDS OF ALL TIME AND THEIR SIDE PROJECT RAP BAND KDNPRS HOLDS THE DISTINCTION OF BEING THE ONLY RAP-ROCK BAND IN HISTORY THAT DOESN’T SUCK) LMAO I PROBABLY JUST GAVE AT LEAST 35 PEOPLE ’NAM FLASHBACKS OF WHEN THEIR MYSPACE NAMES WERE LIKE “xMELISSAxMISERYx” OR “jasonatethelochnessmonster” OR SOME SHIT BUT ANY IDK MY POINT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THAT ZANYCORE AND NINTENDOCORE WERE LIKE COUSIN GENRES SINCE THEY WERE OSTENSIBLY THE SAME THING EXCEPT ONE GENRE WOULD HAVE SOMEONE PLAYING A GAMEBOY AS AN INSTRUMENT AND THE OTHER ONE WOULD HAVE A MYSPACE PHOTO ALBUM OF UNDERAGE SCENE GIRLS HOLDING SIGNS WITH THEIR NAMES ON THEM BUT I’M REALLY BAD AT STAYING ON TRACK WITH THESE THINGS BECAUSE TRYING TO STRUCTURE AN EDITORIAL ON THE FACT THAT WHEN I WAS 16 I REALLY LIKED CHIPTUNE BREAKDOWNS IS KINDA HARD YA FEEL ME? WHATEVER IT’S NINTENDOCORE TIME NOW SO I’M JUST GONNA GIVE YOU THE SPARKNOTES VERSION OF THE BANDS THAT OCCUPIED THE RELATED VIDEOS SECTION OF YOUTUBE EVERY TIME I TRIED TO G OFF ON SOME HORSE THE BAND TRACK WHILE I WAS WAITING FOR MY FRIENDS TO STOP USING MY HOUSE AS A PUBLIC BATHROOM *PUTS POWERGLOVES ON BOTH FISTS AND WINDMILL MOSHES SO FAST THE MOTOROLA RAZR FLIES FROM YOUR HANDS AND BREAKS AGAINST THE WALL OF THE AMITY TEEN CENTER* ALSO SPOILER I’M NOT GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT THE BAND POWERGLOVE AT ALL LMAO BEING VAGUELY ASSOCIATED WITH VIDEOGAMES DOESN’T MAKE YOU NINTENDOCORE; PROGRAMMED SYNTH LEADS, QUARTER NOTE BREAKDOWNS, AND VOCALISTS WHO AREN’T GOOD AT SINGING OR SCREAMING MAKES YOU NINTENDOCORE SKY EATS AIRPLANE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wb2W2flJF94 NEXT TO HORSE THE BAND, SKY EATS AIRPLANE WAS PROBABLY THE MOST WELL-KNOWN BAND IN THE WHOLE NINTENDOCORE MOVEMENT. THERE WAS A 50% CHANCE THAT THIS SONG OR THE ACOUSTIC TRACK THEY DID WAS ON AT LEAST ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IPOD NANO. APPARENTLY THIS ENTIRE RECORD WAS DONE BY TWO GUYS AND THE GUY WHOS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE INSTRUMENTS OWNS A LIGHTING COMPANY NOW SWEAR TO GOD LOL SKY EATS AIRPLANE DID ANOTHER ALBUM AFTER THIS ONE (EDIT: APPARENTLY THEY ALSO DID AN EP TOO BUT I JUST LEARNED ABOUT IT NOW) AND THAT ONE WAS LESS NINTENDOCORISH AND MORE ALONG THAT THING THAT ASKING ALEXANDRIA AND ENTER SHIKARI DID WHERE IT WAS KINDA EDM-ISH ONLY WITH LESS COMPLETELY AWFUL PEOPLE INVOLVED (FOR THE MOST PART) LOL THE LEAD SINGLE FROM THAT ALBUM HAD THE GUY FROM OH, SLEEPER ON IT YALL REMEMBER OH, SLEEPER? I’M PRETTY SURE THERE’S PEOPLE WHO WERE IN OH, SLEEPER THAT FORGOT ABOUT OH, SLEEPER SKY EATS AIRPLANE ALSO HAD JERRY ROUSH AS A VOCALIST FOR A WHILE AND THAT GUY HOLDS THE RECORD FOR MOST L’s TAKEN AS A MUSICIAN EVER SINCE HE WAS IN 2 BANDS THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO BLOW UP BUT NEVER DID (S.E.A. AND GLASSCLOUD, LMAO GLASSCLOUD) AND ALSO WAS A FILL IN FOR OF MICE AND MEN BUT GOT KICKED OUT ONCE THE ATTACK ATTACK! GUY CAME BACK UNTIL HE QUIT AGAIN FOR LIKE THE 300000TH TIME LOL SORRY JERRY AS THE WORLD FADES: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P48ancyMI9M THIS BAND WAS A ONE HIT WONDER OF YOUTUBE LOL. THE BEGINNING OF THIS SONG WAS KINDA SICK IN 2010 BUT JESUS CHRIST THIS GUY CAN’T SING AT ALL. HE SOUNDS LIKE HE’S ON THE PHONE TRYING TO ASK A RADIO HOST THE NAME OF A SONG HE DOESN’T KNOW BUT CAN REMEMBER THE MELODY OF. IDK THIS BAND IS P. FORGETTABLE BUT THIS TRACK IS OKAY AND IT AND IN THE END OF THIS VIDEO THERE IS A MICROSOFT POWERPOINT DISSOLVE AND AN xD FACE IN IT. THIS IS BASICALLY THE MUSICAL EQUIVALENT OF THOSE RAINBOW SOUR GUMMY RIBBONS (DRAW YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS) IAMERROR/MONOMATE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSzn64V7pMQ https://monomate.bandcamp.com/album/grand-battle OKAY SO CONFESSION TIME: I KNEW ABOUT IAMERROR WHEN I WAS YOUNGER BUT JUST LEARNED ABOUT MONOMATE IN LIKE, THE PAST COUPLE WEEKS. BASICALLY WHAT HAPPENED WAS THIS GUY NAMED PETE (HE WENT BY P33T BECAUSE 2010) HAD THIS OKAY BUT NOT GREAT INSTRUMENTAL BAND NAMED AFTER THAT ZELDA NPC BUT THEN DECIDED “WHATEVER I’LL DO VOCALS ON IT AND RE-RELEASE IT” AND IT’S LEGITIMATELY ONE OF, IF NOT THE BEST RECORDS IN THIS SUBGENRE. GRAND BATTLE IS A REALLY FUN, NOSTALGIC, AND MELODIC NINTENDOCORE RECORD WITH A BUNCH OF REALLY WELL-DONE MELODIES IN IT I’M KINDA PISSED I DIDN’T FIND THIS WHEN I WAS 15 SO I COULD HAVE TALKED ABOUT IT MORE AND NOT HAVE IT SEEM SO WEIRD AS PIRATES OFTEN DO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlWgqih7FGQ LMAOOOOOOOOOOO DID Y’ALL REALLY EXPECT ME NOT TO MAKE A CONNECTICUT JOKE IN THIS BISH!? APOD WAS THE MOST POPPING BAND IN THE 203 DURING THE SCENE YEARS AND I HATED THE SHIT OUT OF THEM FOR REALLY STUPID REASONS LIKE FAKE RUMORS AND HOW THEIR HAIR LOOKED WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN HATING THEM FOR LEGITIMATE REASONS LIKE BEING FROM THE CITY THAT MY HOMETOWN WOULD ROUTINELY CRUSH AT FOOTBALL EVERY THANKSGIVING GO GAELS FUCK THE RED RAIDERS APOD DIDN’T IDENTIFY AS NINTENDOCORE BUT SOMEONE CALLED THEM THAT ON A FACEBOOK GROUP AND I HAD A CONNIPTION FIT AND ALMOST BROKE MY NES BELT BUCKLE IN HALF BECAUSE I HATED THEM SO MUCH APOD WAS BASICALLY JUST THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA BUT A LITTLE LESS JESUS AND A LITTLE MORE GUITAR LEADS. I WAS AT THEIR LAST SHOW AND I GOT A BLACK EYE FROM SOME KID IN A MEMPHIS MAY FIRE SHIRT WHO WAS ACTUALLY SUPER NICE AND APOLOGIZED AND WHEN I FOUND THE KID I WENT TO THE SHOW WITH AND HE SAW MY EYE HE WENT BERSERK. LMAO HOMIE LAUNCHED HIMSELF INTO A FLYING FALCON PUNCH AND KNOCKED OUT A KID THAT WASN’T EVEN THE ONE WHO HIT ME LOL I’M FRIENDS WITH ALL THE KIDS FROM APOD NOW THOUGH WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT 2011 ME WOULD HAVE BURST INTO FLAMES AT THE THOUGHT OF, SO I GUESS THAT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE A DICK AND TRY TO FIGHT KIDS YOU BARELY KNOW AT CARNIVALS BECAUSE LIKE 5 YEARS LATER YOU COULD BE FRIENDS WITH THEM (SORRY ERIC) ISHOTTHEDUCKHUNTDOG: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O91u418QTxs WHEN I WAS MAKING THIS LIST I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW I HATED THIS BAND SO MUCH BUT HAD FORGOTTEN WHY. BUT WHEN I FOUND THE LINK FOR THIS SONG I REMEMBERED. THIS IS THE MOST PAINFULLY 2010 4CHAN IMAGE I’VE SEEN IN MY LIFE. LMAO THIS IS FUCKING TRASH B. THIS SOUNDS LIKE ISETMYFRIENDSONFIRE BUT WITH SOMEONE PLAYING KIRBY’S DREAMLAND IN THE BACKGROUND. I’M WILLING TO BET AN UNOPENED CAN OF CRUNK JUICE THAT WHOEVER WAS INVOLVED IN THIS PROJECT BECAME A DUBSTEP DJ AND NOW IS ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO WEARS SHIRTS WITH HOLES IN THEM AND DEFENDS XXXTENTACION IN FACEBOOK GROUPS 100DEADRABBITS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwemYblvYTM DESPITE GOING AS FAR AS COVERING HORSE THE BAND (THE COVER SUCKED BTW) THESE GUYS SOUNDED MORE LIKE THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA THAN ANYTHING ELSE BUT THEY HAD SOME BANGERS WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE BESIDES THAT EP ABOUT ZOMBIES THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA HAS EXACTLY ZERO BANGERS. LMAO THESE GUYS TRIED TO GET SERIOUS AND PULL A CODE ORANGE BY DROPPING THE “RABBITS” FROM THEIR NAME BUT NO ONE GAVE A SHIT BY THEN LOL. ONE TIME WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER ONE OF MY FRIENDS GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH A KID AT A SHOW WHO WAS WEARING A 100DEADRABBITS SHIRT AND THAT 100DEADRABBITS KID GOT HIS SHIT ROCKED WHICH SHOULDN’T BE SURPRISING, GIVEN THAT THE FIGHT WAS BETWEEN A KID WEARING A PARKA WITH BASKETBALL SHORTS AND ANOTHER KID WHO, AS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED, WAS WEARING A MAGENTA COLORED 100DEADRABBITS SHIRT. THE SONG IN THE LINK WAS PRETTY COOL BUT I WAS EMBARRASSED EVERY TIME I SAW THE BACKGROUND LMAO WHICH SUICIDE GIRL WAS THIS? IMMA COME CLEAN I NEVER GOT THE WHOLE SUICIDE GIRL THING BUT I THINK IT WAS MOSTLY CUZ WHEN I WAS LIKE 11 I WATCHED A LOT OF THAT VH1 SHOW WHERE THE GUY FROM POISON MADE OUT WITH A BUNCH OF THEM AND IT KINDA CAUSED ME TO DEVELOP A TASTE AVERSION TO IT OR SOMETHING IDK I JUST DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO THINK ABOUT BRET MICHAELS AT ANY POINT DURING COURTSHIP IF POSSIBLE THANK YOU AMYCANFLYY: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZrhRcp3pBA THIS SHIT PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH BECAUSE I GOT DUPED INTO LISTENING TO THEM MORE THAN ONCE. THESE GUYS WERE ALWAYS BEING BROUGHT UP IN THE NINTENDOCORE SUBJECTS EVEN THOUGH THIS IS JUST A NICKASAUR CLONE BAND LMAO REMEMBER NICKASAUR? I WONDER WHAT THAT GUYS DOING NOW LOL HE’S PROBABLY IN A GROUPCHAT WITH ALEX EVANS AND THE READY SET COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW NO ONE AT THE PACSUNS THEY MANAGE TAKES THEM SERIOUSLY HORSE THE BAND: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7wpzKvNhfA&list=PLMns_xL63MWMA4YhROj8FeBL_bohbpALq OKAY LET ME START OFF WITH A BOLD STATEMENT: HORSE THE BAND HAVE ONE OF THE GREATEST OEUVRES IN THE LAST DECADE. NOW LET ME FOLLOW UP WITH AN EVEN BOLDER STATEMENT IN CASE YOU DORKS WERENT READY: HORSE THE BAND IS THE MOST UNDERRATED METAL/HARDCORE BAND EVER. NOW REAL QUICK, LETS DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN “OVERLOOKED” AND “UNDERRATED.” A FORGOTTEN GEM OF A BAND LIKE SIX GALLERY IS OVERLOOKED. THEY WEREN’T POPULAR WHEN THEY WERE AROUND, THEY REMAIN IN RELATIVE OBSCURITY TO THIS DAY. AN UNDERRATED THING IS SOMETHING THAT PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT, BUT DON’T GIVE ENOUGH CREDIT TO, LIKE JOHN GOODMAN OR THAT MEME OF THE DINOSAUR GOING YEEE EVERYONE IS AWARE OF HORSE THE BAND BUT VERY FEW PEOPLE REALIZE HOW FANTASTIC THEY ARE ONCE YOU GET PAST THE INITIAL GIMMICK. WHILE THEY HAVE A BUNCH OF SILLY SONGS, INCLUDING AN ALBUM ABOUT FUCKING PIZZA, THEY HAVE A SCOPE OF SONGWRITING THAT BORDERS ON THAT OF A POST-ROCK BAND. I’M COMPLETELY SERIOUS THE FIRST TIME I HEARD HORSE THE BAND I WAS AT MY DAD’S HOUSE TO WATCH THAT FREE ON DEMAND THING FOR FUSE, TRYING TO FIND SONGS TO USE AN ITUNES GIFT CARD I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS ON (THAT’S A VERY OLD SENTENCE), AND WHEN I SAW THE VIDEO FOR “SHAPESHIFT” I STARTED CRYING. I GOT TO SEE HORSE THE BAND A COUPLE YEARS AGO IN THE SAME WEEK THAT I SAW THE ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD MOVIE AT SOME THEATRE IN NEW YORK AND IT WAS KINDA LIKE 16 YEAR OLD ME WAS BEING REINCARNATED. I’VE BEEN TO HUNDREDS OF SHOWS IN MY LIFE BUT THE MOST IGNORANT I’VE EVER BEEN WAS FOR H THE B LOL. I RAN ON PEOPLES HEADS LIKE I WAS JESUS OR SOME SHIT DURING HALF THE SET AND SCISSOR KICKED SOMEONE IN THE HEAD DURING “CUTSMAN” I WAS AN ASSHOLE LOL SORRY. DUDE I’M JUST RAMBLING AT THIS POINT HORSE THE BAND IS SO COOL I HAD A DREAM ABOUT PAYING NATHAN WILKE $200.00 TO DO A GUEST SPOT ON A LUCRETIA SONG LOL I MAY JUST DO THAT. IN CONCLUSION: TL;DR HORSE THE BAND IS BETTER THAN DEAFHEAVEN OR WHATEVER LAME BAND YOU LIKE AND NINTENDOCORE WAS SICK AND IT WOULD HAVE DONE A LOT BETTER IF THE MAJORITY OF ITS FANBASE DIDN’T CONSIST OF THOSE KIDS WHO WORE NECKLACES MADE OUT OF MONSTER ENERGY PULLTABS NOW GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE BEFORE I SELECT-START-A-B YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE -Michael T. |
Brian LesmesWherein Brian hilariously overanalyzes a subgenre of metal! Archives
May 2018
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