It’s me again. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I wake up and can’t decide if there is an actual reason to get out of bed or if I should just lay and waste my life away. I can’t see straight. I feel like I’ve gone blind to the state of the world around me. I can’t go anywhere or log onto social media without seeing how much our world is truly falling apart. I was always told growing up that we were the future of the country, that we we were supposed to keep the world running, that we were supposed to fix the cracks, but lately our entire world has been going back in time.
It truly makes you contemplate if staying here is right. Is it worth dealing with the constant pain and endless suffering, watching the world fall apart at the seams? Most teenagers won’t even hit twenty before they see more emotionally scarring things than a healthy person should. I lost more friends in high school than I thought I would, and it sucks. I don’t mean the usual “we aren’t friends anymore” bullshit either. Some killed themselves. Died in a car accidents.
Romantic love is horseshit. You think you’ve found someone genuinely special and either you fuck it up or they pull a fast one and leave you in the dust before you can tell them you care. I can’t tell if social media has doomed relationships for this generation - things like Tinder, the place your heart goes once it turns into a black hole. All anyone cares about at our age is how many people follow them on Instagram or Twitter or the success of their dumbass Tumblr blog.
But our generation has some perks. We know how to start movements, revolutions. We want to exterminate racism and end inequality, so that’s good on us. We know how to handle situations we care about. The problem is if we don’t care, most of us won’t bat an eye. Otherwise, we make our opinions known, probably on social media. If you want me to be completely fair, millennials are bound to be the reason our country goes broke. Just look at Bernie Sanders. He blew up with teenagers because he basically wants to make it easier for us to drop out and live well, but I’m not diving into politics here. No need.
I don’t know what lies in our hearts. Some of us hate ourselves so much we refuse to seek help or even leave the house. I feel anxious and hated half the time. I’m unsure whether to speak up or not. It seems like suicide is getting more and more common. Who knows how long it will be before the next anxiety-ridden teens that write shit like this, or fakes being okay, takes his or her own life from their family and friends. It could be anyone from your best friend to your brother or sister or even me.
- Dakota G.
I’ve been noticing this feeling in my body constantly. It almost feels as if it’s loneliness, but at this same time, I know it isn’t. I’ve been isolating myself on purpose because even around family and friends I feel this same gut-wrenching emotion that brings down my mood. It confuses me to the point that it angers me trying to figure out how to fix it, and then it hits me: it started as soon as you entered my life.
You gave me slight glances of hope and faith in what was to come with my personal relationships. It felt as if stumbling across you that day was something that was meant to happen. It wasn’t coincidence. It wasn’t an accident. We had so much in common. I started changing after only a few days. I got attached. I longed for the soothing feeling your voice gave me before I went to bed. I longed to see your contact name gleam across my cell phone screen. How did I not notice what was happening sooner?
How did I not notice that I wasn’t your top priority, or a priority at all, when you left me unanswered for days at a time? You only cared about me when nobody else was around to talk or when you needed something. It took longer and longer for you to reach out to me. It became weeks where I would hear from you for maybe three minutes before you fell asleep at night. I started to feel lost and stranded. How did things go from so great to so bad so fast? It must have been something I had done.
You know what the worst part is? Once I came up with the strength to tell you I couldn’t take the pain anymore, you came crawling back within days, promising the same things that were lost in translation. I almost let you back in, but then I remembered: I don’t care anymore, you killed the version of me that would have done anything for you.
So good riddance, farewell, and I wish that your next unlucky victim realizes the traps and games you pull before it’s too late.
- Dakota G.
Dear Person I Called My Other Half,
This is for you and the public to read, if it somehow manages to get around. I spent a decent chunk of a year with you and I from time to time miss that. For that decent chunk of a year, I chose to love you and didn’t listen to my friends when it got bad. Instead, I tried to act like it didn’t bother me and move on. I loved you with so much power that I soon lost connection with myself. I disregarded our simple arguments and apologized to make our relationship last when truthfully I had done nothing wrong. I know I wasn’t the perfect boyfriend either, and I made some very unnecessary arguments as well. I fell for you so fast I lost track of everything else around me. Nothing else mattered. You made our relationship from the start full of broken promises, lies, and empty threats that were made due to you being completely under the influence almost every night, and I was too head-over-heels for you to see the pain before it started.
I knew somehow that the neglect and emotional stress you weighed on me would cause me a world of pain. I didn’t care. I put up with the pain to feel something. When I would start throwing the same obstacles at you that you would throw at me, you left. It’s almost hypocritical, so to say. I remember the days when I needed you most that you left to go to parties, and/or wouldn’t let me do things because you were insecure about yourself and had to make sure that weighed down on me and affected my days. I remember those days that I was left in the dark with nowhere to turn and needed guidance when you just turned off your phone, or wouldn’t reply because you didn’t want to deal with it. If I’m correct, a key component in relationships is helping each other through the dark, not just making everything darker (at least in my opinion).
I constantly thought, “I keep trying, but nothing is ever good enough for you,” and that was the truth. Nothing was ever good enough for you regardless of how much I tried. You constantly had to weigh me down.
But I still need to thank you for shattering every bit of self-confidence I had. “You’re not good enough for anyone else”: man, did that wreck me. Thank you for making me come clear to make sure that I never fall in love with a toxic human being like you again. Thank you for making me see that I am much better than what you deserved. People constantly say to never talk bad about the people you used to love, and that is completely true. I’m not talking bad, I’m just telling a very vague version of the truth without getting into too much detail.
I cannot say that I was not the happiest I've ever been when we had our good days. Unfortunately, ever since you, I have not been able to feel such a sense of euphoria. You can keep denying all the bad you did in our relationship, as I will come clean about what I did, because trust me, it will eventually find you again and ruin you like you ruined me.
I truthfully do not regret dating you, or loving you so to say. You sat there and picked me to harm because you yourself were still broken inside. Thank you for showing me that abuse isn’t as advertised on television and in movies all the time. Thank you for showing me that I can build myself up from the ground and that there is no reason why I can’t accomplish anything if I can get away from the one thing that constantly brought me darkness that I was completely attached to. Thank you for breaking me so much I still am missing some of these pieces over a year later.
A Changed Man.
- Dakota G.
You Do Matter
Yeah, you, you matter. Depression is a terrible thing, it overwhelms your state of mind with thoughts of neglect, terrible memories, and sometimes when it gets even worse, suicide. You may feel alone in this world, or like you have nowhere to run to when the darkness gets just a little too deep, but that is far from the truth. Matter of fact, you are never alone. There is always someone, somewhere that cares about you. Whether it be your mother/father or your best friend, they are there and would do anything to see you smile and be able to see you again. Imagine the look on your best friend’s face when they wake up and find out you’re gone and they will never be able to laugh at the stupid inside jokes or look back on the memories the two of you created. Imagine the tears that will stream down your parents cheeks when they find out that the person they brought into this world and cared about more than anything else thought they weren’t good enough so they took the easy way out. I promise you that you are good enough, even when you feel as if you can’t do anything right. Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary issue. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will see the positives, but you have to believe in yourself. After all, you are the only person in this world that can truly make you happy. I promise you whether you are 16 years old or 42 years old there is still a positive reward waiting for you once you overcome this feeling of emptiness. You have to look into yourself to find the answers, the answers that will help you pass the test and make it back to your high road. Dysphoria is only in your mind. You need to find how to clear your mind to make it easier to get that sensation of euphoria. Don’t spend all this time of your life prolonging your depression over one issue - move on, know that you are better than what happened, that it was just a simple mistake, and everything in this world happens for one reason or another.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255
- Brian, Alex & Dakota.
What is Advocacy?
Advocacy is a more close to home or emotional side of Metal Lifestyle that Dakota works on from time to time.