Days aren’t even days anymore…
I swear nothing flows the way it should anymore. The world seems bland - the colors, atmosphere, people, everything is null and void. When someone claims to be depressed, we’re so quick to tell that person to “knock it off” and do something they love, but that is the one tiny factor that everyone overlooks: when you’re depressed, nothing makes you happy. You could have the perfect day only to have that one thing jog your memory - and then every feeling of happiness is gone. You want to be happy. Regardless of what anyone says, you would love to be happy.
I’ve been told me that heaven and hell are real and that religion isn’t a complete and utter waste of time. I never believed it, always shrugged it off like everything else everyone force-fed me, whether it’ politics or school. I guess that’s what made me who I am today, but lately I’ve realized they were right in some aspects. Hell is most definitely a real place. Whether it’s somewhere you go when you die is beyond me, but I know for a fact when you get in these moods - I’m talking days, weeks, sometimes even months - you experience the closest thing to hell your brain can process short of war. You relive every single moment that has ever pained you every day until something magically seems to work for once.
Recently, I went through a phase where I felt like nothing could possibly go right in my life. I was losing relationships left and right - friends, family, significant others - and I tried fuck all to make everything better. “Better yourself” or whatever that bullshit you see online is doesn’t work for shit. Eating healthy didn’t make my body feel better. It just made me sadder that I wasn’t eating what I wanted daily. I made sense of one part of that routine, and that was folding my laundry and dressing nicer because it made me feel like I had more worth, which was really nice to feel every now and then.
I wake up in what I think is a new day, but in all reality, I’ve lost all sense of night and day besides the obvious. I’m in my house, but sometimes I can’t tell what makes it a home anymore. It’s some emotion, some attachment to family or happiness, sometimes both. Some nights I sit and escape into personal media for extravagant amounts of time because I feel unwanted by the other people in this house, which is extremely awful.
I live for the nights out I get with my buddies, because I have so few of them. I live for the shows and the moments that provide a reason to be alive and remind me that I’m here to have fun. On those nights when I’m losing my mind with people I care about, the things that have been causing me to stress all vanish into thin air. It really makes you notice what matters in life and who is there for you, because life truthfully fucking sucks.
Maybe sometime soon days will be normal again...
- Dakota G.
What is Advocacy?
Advocacy is a more close to home or emotional side of Metal Lifestyle that Dakota works on from time to time.